A New Season

I’ve kept it quiet from most of the internet for awhile, but I think I’m ready to announce something I’ve been working on for the past year and a half.

In a few weeks I plan to graduate massage therapy school and start my own practice as a licensed massage therapist. I have been attending night classes after work for the past almost 18 months and this season of life is nearing its end. I can’t begin to express the depth of the challenges I faced just to keep myself going in the midst of balancing work, homework, and battling my own inner demons along the way. One thing my school has emphasized throughout my journey has been the importance of addressing my own inner wounds so I don’t project them onto my clients. They talk about Carl Jung and the shadow self, about setting appropriate boundaries, about keeping myself healthy so I can better assist my clients in their journey to wellness. I have learned many lessons on this road.

In a few short weeks I will have a whole new set of challenges to take on: that of studying for the state licensure exam, setting up my business, finding a commercial space to rent, marketing, and more. I’d never seen myself as wanting to be an entrepreneur, and yet here I am. I have no idea where this road will take me. It may turn into a side business while I pursue something else, or it may be my livelihood for awhile. One thing I am certain of, and that is I’m excited to be nearing the end of my work-school-work-school hustle. To say it’s been exhausting would be an understatement.

Onward.

Social Life After College

I’ve often reflected on humans’ basic need for community, and tried to brainstorm how I can best develop my own community of people around me.

I hear it’s easier to make friends in college than post-college because you’re going to class every day with people you have things in common with, be it age, major, etc. I can see truth in this. Personally, though, I felt pretty lonely in college because there were very few people I felt I could really connect with. Yes, several friendships I have today are ones I cultivated in college, but most of them are with people I didn’t even share classes with.

In the south where I live, the “thing” to do as an adult is join a small group or Bible study. I am definitely a fan of being active in one’s faith as well as finding like-minded people. Many times, however, a Bible study is not where one feels they can connect with people on their most personal level. I have experienced social relationships from work, game nights, or other contexts where I can reveal different sides of myself to different people. Not in the sense of being deceptive, but in the sense of being a human with multiple dimensions.

The challenge is finding a community of people where you can be your most authentic self. And that evolves over time, especially during big changes such as a job transition, moving to a different location, etc. It’s always frustrating to be in a transition time of any sort. Because transitions can coincide with a lack of depth. And lack of depth is isolating.

Setting an Intention with Technology

At the beginning of many yoga sessions you’ll hear the instructor prompt you to set an intention for the practice. It’s not typically a physical goal as much as a spiritual thought: “I am focused.” or “I am strong.” A few months ago I found myself needing to set an intention of a different sort: for my computer.

After a long and productive life, my laptop began to die. Slowly at first, but then with overwhelming acceleration until I decided it was time to get a new one. I needed several weeks to save up, so I would have to go without for awhile. And oh, did it refresh my appreciation for technology.

I still had my phone to check email and manage important tasks. In fact, I easily go a couple days without using my computer at all normally. But the luxury of having it available at all times was one that disappeared during those weeks.

What do I use my computer for? Often I much prefer a computer to compose emails and messages (excluding texts). I organize my thoughts better on a big screen with a keyboard having real keys. Occasionally I will edit videos to post on YouTube or create music in GarageBand or Logic. Of course I blog, and any general reading or research I do I prefer to do on a computer.

So for those unique weeks I found myself without this resource readily available. But it pushed me toward a new solution: the public library. While I love my library primarily for the books, I learned the value of checking out a laptop for an hour. With the precious time I had, I forced myself to create goals and focus on what I needed to do in that hour. I spent time responding to emails and Facebook messages. I read and wrote and researched. I even allowed myself some scroll time on Facebook. And it was glorious.

The time without my own computer felt new and different. I possess a deeper thankfulness for the one I do have now. And the focused time in the library reminded me to carry a similar intention with me in my day-to-day perspective.

Why Chasing Your Dream Job Isn’t the Ultimate Goal

The lifestyle pastors of professional America will tell you to find a job that fulfills you. Find your passion. Don’t worry about the money. As long as you’re doing what you love, that’s what matters.

I don’t find that to be helpful advice. For those of us who don’t really have a passion, the subway of indecision carries us along with no convenient stops. Sure, we stare out the windows at the beautiful scenery and consider the possibilities of our various interests, but none of them seem quite right. We get bored in the brevity of our attention span while the thing we thought we loved so much loses its luster. Perhaps the problem lies not in the imperfections of an average job, but the imperfections in us.

If you choose a job based on whether it makes you feel happy, you may find yourself wandering aimlessly for the rest of your life. Granted, your ideal job is probably one in which you take pride, which embodies your values. And if you can find said job, that’s great. However, if you spend our whole life trying to find meaning in the work you get paid for, you will easily miss the meaning outside your profession.

If I depended on my jobs to give me meaning, I would lead a depressing life. But I find meaning outside my jobs: in taking care of my body through yoga, in building relationships with others, in reading and finding new things to learn. I find meaning in drinking in the golden sunlight, in delirious dancing during an all-nighter, in wrapping myself in blankets. In some ways, it doesn’t matter what I get paid to do because I find fulfillment in other ways.

Yes, there are such things as bad jobs. There are toxic environments and disrespectful people. It is important to find a healthy workplace, and to do something you deem worthwhile. But you don’t need to make your job an ultimate goal, because there is so much richness in life outside the workplace.

My Typical Day In the Retail World

The marimba tune playing on my phone is the one that wakes me up in the morning. I snooze for as long as I can while my brain floats through the fog at the end of my last sleep cycle. I’m lucky if I got between six and seven hours of rest.

Before I even throw off my sheets, my mind has gone to the moon and back in a spiraling fashion. I think about my dream, if I can remember it, the day ahead, the meaning of life, and I wonder if I’ll get married someday. It is an informal session of rumination, something often associated with anxiety. I don’t really feel anxious, just overwhelmed.

If I have time, I’ll hard boil an egg. Most days, however, sleep is more important. I cannot function well without sleep. Unfortunately, I cannot function well without food either. Hardee’s is the only place on the way to work. I chase a mouthful of grease with a carton of orange juice, hoping I don’t feel sick later.

Job #1 lasts for several hours. I pass the time by dusting, ringing up purchases, folding clothes, taking bathroom breaks, and occasionally hiding to take a 30-second nap. On busier days I find myself in a rhythm, which helps the time pass faster. After that I leave to go to Job #2.

I schedule an hour and a half between jobs so I can arrive on time. When traffic is heavy, I need that hour and a half. It gives me time to stop home and change, and perhaps grab something to eat from the fridge. I haven’t gone grocery shopping in awhile, so there isn’t much to choose from.

I drive in the fast lane to arrive early. If my stomach needs something, I may walk the quarter-ish mile to Starbucks. Yes, it is my guilty pleasure. It also tastes better than drive-through grease sandwiches.

I spend another few hours on my feet. I smile; people like me there. By the end of the day my feet are throbbing, even if I am wearing inserts for extra padding. I can drive home as fast as I want to, since there is almost no traffic this late. I contemplate my paycheck, but quickly remember I won’t be seeing much of it, since it will go toward paying off debt. I wonder how I allowed myself to get so deep in over my head, but I am taking steps to remedy that. It is a hard lesson, but one I believe I am learning well.

If I had forgotten or didn’t have time eat dinner, I may make a mug of hot cocoa before falling into bed. I try to spend a few minutes reading each night to rest my mind a bit before falling into a fitful sleep. Rinse and repeat.