Snapshot: My Lovely Saturday Night

“I’ll be taking wonderful care of you tonight,” my waiter said as he opened his notepad and readied his pen. My order was simple: water, lobster bisque, and biscuits. He dashed off to the kitchen, his feet almost as quick as his speech.

Alone with my thoughts, I took in my surroundings: the soft thump, thump, thump of the base drum on the radio, the low lighting creating an air of privacy, the Canadian man sitting behind me talking about his trip to Florida. A baby cried in an adjacent room. Nearby, some servers gathered around one of the cash registers to share a joke. I wondered if anyone would find it strange for a woman to eat dinner alone in a restaurant, but it didn’t seem to matter.

Wearing my new (to me) sweater and sporting a fresh haircut, I figured tonight was as much a night as any to celebrate. It had been awhile since I’d taken myself “out on a date,” and the gift card I had received gave me the perfect opportunity to do so. I would not look at my phone tonight. Instead, I savored the environment – the mainstream, commercialized bistro I had learned to love from childhood – and drew comfort from its familiarity. I basked in gratefulness for the beauty of these moments, moments I hadn’t experienced in a long time.

I had lost sight of something. Of myself. I had forgotten how nice it felt to do something special – by myself. Here, now, I could be fully present, and present I was – well, at least until I realized I had almost finished my soup. It was so good I nearly forgot to enjoy it. The bisque tasted like the sea and like a warm hug all at once, and the cheesy, buttery biscuits melted in my mouth.

I thought about how I had no one to talk to there, but I didn’t mind. My soul was content to rest and reflect and simply be, without having to focus on conversation. Sometimes loneliness is a beautiful thing.

The waiter gave me a small bag to pack up the extra biscuits; I gave him an extra tip for his sweet demeanor. My spirit was overflowing with joy from being fully alive and fully myself. It really was a quick supper – I was in and out in under and hour – but my heart was full. And so was my belly.

15 Books Women Should Read

I came across a list entitled “25 Books Every Girl Should Read Before She Turns 25.” I am now rushing to read them all because my birthday is in just a few weeks. Upon looking over the list, I realized a lot of the books are novels. I have nothing against novels; in fact, I should probably read more. However, I’m going through a stage now where nonfiction is more interesting to me. Because a person’s twenties are such a crucial decade to one’s development and growth, I find it important to read material that aides in that.

As such, I have decided to make a list of books I have read that have been helpful in my journey of self-discovery (yes, some of them are even novels). They may not be for everyone, as they are specific to my needs and beliefs, but perhaps you will find one or two that are helpful to you. Feel free to add more suggestions in the comments below.

Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes

If you’re not big into reading, don’t start with this one. It’s amazing, but it also took me months to read. But it’s worth it! It explains the wisdom of ancient tales and the lessons we can learn from them. It travels deep into the female psyche, teaching women to unlock their inner wisdom.
Spider Woman’s Web by Susan Hazen-Hammond

I think of this one as almost a simpler version of Women Who Run With the Wolves. A swift read, but a meaningful one. It also explores old tales, but specifically focusing on those of Native American tradition. At the end of each chapter are questions beckoning readers to dig deep within themselves, exploring their past and embracing their present.
Released from Shame by Sandra D. Wilson

This is a fantastic book for anyone struggling with relentless shame, low self-worth, doubt, etc. Even if this doesn’t describe you, it opens a window of understanding toward those it does describe. Again, it challenges the reader to look inward for growth and self-awareness.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough? by Karyl McBride

Think of this book as a very specific version of Released from Shame. It peers into rocky relationships between mothers and daughters, and it reveals how influential the mother-daughter relationship is in women’s lives. Even if you have/had a great relationship with your mother, this can be helpful in accessing your own inner mother to yourself as well as growing as a mother to your children.
The Vagina Monologues by Eve Ensler

Some people love it, some people don’t. But it certainly does offer interesting perspectives on the female genitalia.
Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero

The author emphasizes the importance of not sacrificing that which is good and healthy in the name of being “spiritual.” It is written from a Christian perspective, but the points made are excellent for those of any spiritual background. Emotional health is an important thing, and good spirituality should enhance that, not sabotage it.
The Absolutely True Diary of a Part Time Indian by Sherman Alexie

A novel about a young, Native American man and his journey of transferring schools and the experiences that come with it. I have almost no grounds to relate to this character, but the author did a fantastic job of placing me in the character’s shoes to understand his thoughts and feelings. It also gave me a clearer perspective of modern Native American culture.
The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell

I was required to read this book for a writing class I took, but I learned a lot about societal trends and how little things can become epidemics. An example that immediately comes to mind is how Justin Bieber became so popular almost overnight. Gladwell doesn’t specifically mention Justin Bieber, but that’s kinda of the idea of what he talks about.
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

A coming of age novel about a young man following his dream. I normally hate the idea of “following your dreams,” (a topic for a different post), but I’d say this story is far from cheesy.
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime by Mark Haddon

A novel I couldn’t put down, giving me the perspective of one whose life is very different from mine, and also increasing my empathy and understanding for others.
A Three Dog Life by Abigail Thomas

Written by a woman whose husband was forever changed by a terrible accident, A Three Dog Life chronicles her journey of creating a new normal. My comments cannot do this books justice. But I will say that it was enriching for me to read because it helped me step outside my personal bubble to learn about someone who is in a different stage of life from me.
The Things They Carried by Tim O’Brien

I found an deepening of two things as a result of having reading this book: my understanding of those involved in/affected by the Vietnam War, and my respect for said people.
Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller

The subtitle of this book is “Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality.” Written by a former atheist, the author is not trying to shove an ideology down your throat. He’s simply writing about his experience, which I loved reading about. Great for those exploring their own spirituality.
A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23 by W. Phillip Keller

Psalm 23 is a commonly quoted poem at funerals, but that wasn’t necessarily what the original author had in mind when he wrote it. This book is written by a shepherd who knows the ins and outs of the daily life of sheep, and it will increase your appreciation for the shepherd’s psalm.
Sexual Fluidity by Lisa Diamond

I don’t have a lot of well-developed thoughts on this book because I’m still reading it. However, I am learning more about female sexuality, and it’s fascinating.

Long Hunter Pow Wow

My tires matted the grass as I turned off the main road, into the middle of nowhere, also known as Long Hunter State park. From the moment I stepped out of my car, I could hear the mournful voice of a Native American flute winding its way through the trees and to my anxious ears. I had gotten a great parking spot by the entrance of the festival, and my first destination while there was the bleachers surrounding the small stage where the performance was taking place.

While walking through the clearing in the wood, I felt overcome with a sweet sadness I didn’t know how to reconcile. My soul wept with the sky in my loneliness, and yet I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Seeing the livelihood of a people who are too often invisible to me reminded me of my need to connect with nature, to bask in the beauty of the earth. Solitude has a way of doing that to you: of wringing your heart free of the shallowness of petty problems and leaving behind a core of raw emotion, an essence of what it means to be human.

I walked around the field for hours, visiting the different vendors and admiring their art. Not wanting to leave, yet not wanting to stay, I had to tear myself away like a child from her mother. Something inside me connected to this culture, to the stories, the traditions, the heartache. A connection which only a deep loneliness could reveal in its rugged beauty.

Sex, Fantasy, and Fifty Shades

Lately I’ve seen a lot of hype about the film rendition of Fifty Shades of Grey across the internet. Mostly it’s been a lot of protesting about how the story promotes sexual abuse and dominance. Personally I’m not really interested in the books or the movie, so my critique of the story would be limited at best. But I’m not here to write a critique – there are plenty already out there. I’m here to tell you some of my thoughts based on what I’ve observed about this latest uproar.

My concern lies in the conversations I read about how it’s a shame that young people today are indulging in stories like these and will not have a firm understanding of what true love or a satisfying sex life looks like. Before I continue, let me say that in no way do I condone sexual abuse, and I certainly hope that this post doesn’t come across that way. What I am saying is that we shouldn’t wait for stories like Fifty Shades to go viral before we start talking about how sex should be.

Upon looking up the author, I found a quote of hers that said that this story was essentially her sexual fantasies, which, in my opinion, puts a different perspective on how I view the story. While a woman may not publicly admit it, I think there exists in many women’s minds fantasies that are not intended to be played out in real life, be they sex with a stranger, being forcefully tied down, etc. Thoughts and emotions that allow the person to feel as though they’re not completely in control (while in reality they still are) help to increase the tension of the moment, making it more exciting and therefore easier to climax. When you put those fantasies on a screen, however, they turn into something seen as dominating and abusive, because it’s not meant to make sense in real life (hence why it’s a fantasy).

For those of you who don’t want your children to see this movie because you want to explain to them how beautiful true love and healthy sex is, that’s great. The problem is, not everyone wants to have that conversation, especially, I find, those of the more conservative mindsets. If you can’t even say the word sex without giggling or blushing, you’re probably not the first person I’m going to go to for advice in the matter. That’s why the majority of my sex ed came from Wikipedia, Urban Dictionary, and Game of Thrones. Google didn’t blush. It didn’t pause in an awkward silence thinking, “oh crap, I have to have this conversation with her.” It simply gave me the answers I was looking for and then some. And yes, some people did offer to talk about any questions I had. But I was so ignorant of my own body that I didn’t even know what questions to ask.

Maybe you giggle or smile because you have a great sex life. Maybe you’re remembering the night you had with your partner last week. But I can’t tell what you’re thinking. All I read is a change in your demeanor, which then makes me uncomfortable and feel that maybe I shouldn’t have brought it up.

For those of you who wonder why anyone would want to sit through a movie like that in a dark theatre surrounded by people, maybe it’s because it feels like a safe place. Maybe there are a lot of confused or frustrated young people trying to understand their bodies and biological functions, but can’t find the answers they need because their elders are too embarrassed to talk about it. Or if they aren’t, the conversation is weighted with fear that somebody is going to fuck somebody into abomination. And so in a way it almost makes sense to me to want to escape to the theatre where I don’t have to be embarrassed for wondering about my body and maybe less-than-traditional ways of having sex.

Questions to Ask on a Date?

While I don’t know much about dating, I do enjoy looking at articles with fun date ideas – because sometimes the activities mentioned seem like good ideas whether you have a date or not!

We know that a first date can be awkward. What do you talk about? I especially don’t care for small talk, so the conversation would probably become uncomfortable for me quite quickly. In my thought process, I don’t really care how many facts about you I can recite, because knowing about you isn’t the same as knowing you. That’s partly what distinguishes our relationships to our friends versus our celebrity crushes. Learn as much as you want about Jennifer Lawrence, but unless you take her out for pizza and spend time with her, chances are you won’t really know her that well.

That being said, I came up with the following list of questions that will guarantee success on any first date you go on.

Actually I have no idea if these are any good; these are just questions I’ve thought about in my spare time when my brain has nothing better to do.

If you were granted three wishes, what would you wish for?

If you had a completely empty day ahead of you, how would you spend it?

Were you to pick any job besides the one you have, what would you want to do?

Do you like sweet, salty, or spicy foods?

What is one of your favorite places to go in town?

If you could pick any era to live in, past, present, or future, what would you pick?

What is something you don’t want to live without?

What is something you’re thankful for today?

What, if anything, do you want to change about the world?

Who do you want to be in the future?

When is your favorite time of day?

Where do you go to relax?

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie pop? (answer: the world will never know)

What’s the strangest question you’ve been asked on a first date?

*Disclaimer: Katherine Hill is not liable for any rejections or failures that result from using this list of questions, so please do not sue her. Side affects may include queasy stomach, palm sweating, frequent trips to the bathroom, and uncomfortable silences.

A Respectable Young Lady

I got the “lady” thing down. When I was a girl, I learned all sorts of “lady” skills that would prepare me to be a decent woman and successful housewife. I make applesauce. I spin yarn. I can knit and crochet. I paint, sing, and play the harp. I can make quilts and clothes, and serve afternoon tea.

The problem is, activities such as those are no longer as popular as they used to be. Spin yarn? Many people don’t even understand what a drop spindle is, or they have never seen a harp up close.

Felicity Merriman and Elsie Dinsmore were my childhood friends, but I have learned that girls like them remain alive only on the words of a page. While girls my age learned about makeup and name brand clothing, I was out riding horses. While so-and-so was dating her first boyfriend, I was wondering if it was morally okay to wax my eyebrows (would it be vain?). By the time I reached young adulthood, I thought I was well on my way to becoming an accomplished gentlewoman (I use the term loosely). You can imagine my surprise, then, when I discovered that a proper gentlewoman is not esteemed in the same way she would have been a century ago.

These days it appears that society values a woman who is career driven more than housewife driven. Many women today are being awarded for accomplishments that, a century or two ago, only men would have attempted. Maybe that’s not a bad thing. Maybe it means we’ve allowed women to go above and beyond the original expectations of their gender. I think, however, that there is something to be said about a woman who can manage her home well, career or no career. There is a certain beauty that is lost when the art of housekeeping is thrown to the wayside in pursuit of what used to be left to the men.

That’s not to say that pursuing a career is a bad thing. I myself am studying to get a bachelor’s degree, after which I would like to manage a flock of goats (maybe), grow an herb garden, and possibly build my own house. Yes, with my own hands.

Do you remember the term “calling” before it was used in reference to the telephone? In the Victorian era, ladies would pay visits to, or call on, each other. In higher society, women would keep track of who called on them and to whom they owed calls. Paying a call could be compared to paying bills, they were so important. Today? “We should hang out sometime.”

Sometimes I wonder what the hell men are looking for if not a housewife. I may be late in saying this (by about 100 years), but it seems that the woman is having to find a new identity, since it is no longer defined by the skills she acquires for running a home. In a way, this is freeing, because it gives her more independence to choose her own path. In another way, however, it leaves people like me a bit confused about what to do when I’ve spent a significant chunk of my life training to be useful to a man.

Please do not take this as a self-pity rant (although that’s exactly what it is, so forgive me). This is not to say that I cannot survive without a man taking care of me, because I have complete confidence that I can. I think more importantly, I am trying to find my place in 2014 when I feel like I should have been born in 1880.