The Pursuit of Wisdom in Relationships

I have two pursuits in the forefront of my mind during this season of life: to contribute to the healing of the world, and to pursue wisdom.

I have often wondered what the pursuit of wisdom looks like in the midst of personal relationships. In many situations I have felt healthier being single than I have dating, mostly because I haven’t always pursued the most healthy of relationships. Looking back over those situations I would usually feel a sense of freedom when they were over, because I could finally reconnect to myself again, and I’ve wondered if I’ll ever feel like myself when I’m with another.

That being said, because my goal is wisdom rather than a relationship, my philosophy has been that I’m going to continue pursuing my own growth, and if someone wants to join me in that journey I welcome the company. It can make for a lonely journey, though. The healthier I become, often the more isolated I feel, because not everyone is pursuing the same things. We are all at different points in our journey, and it can be hard to find people to relate to. That’s when I begin to wonder if I’m actually healthy or if I’m rather missing something crucial by not being in closer community with others.

I crave community. I crave closeness. And yet I feel like I can’t hear my own inner spirit if I don’t spend enough time by myself. It’s a constant tug-of-war, trying to figure out what the optimal balance is. Maybe it will take a lifetime to figure out.

Social Life After College

I’ve often reflected on humans’ basic need for community, and tried to brainstorm how I can best develop my own community of people around me.

I hear it’s easier to make friends in college than post-college because you’re going to class every day with people you have things in common with, be it age, major, etc. I can see truth in this. Personally, though, I felt pretty lonely in college because there were very few people I felt I could really connect with. Yes, several friendships I have today are ones I cultivated in college, but most of them are with people I didn’t even share classes with.

In the south where I live, the “thing” to do as an adult is join a small group or Bible study. I am definitely a fan of being active in one’s faith as well as finding like-minded people. Many times, however, a Bible study is not where one feels they can connect with people on their most personal level. I have experienced social relationships from work, game nights, or other contexts where I can reveal different sides of myself to different people. Not in the sense of being deceptive, but in the sense of being a human with multiple dimensions.

The challenge is finding a community of people where you can be your most authentic self. And that evolves over time, especially during big changes such as a job transition, moving to a different location, etc. It’s always frustrating to be in a transition time of any sort. Because transitions can coincide with a lack of depth. And lack of depth is isolating.

Writing Exercise: My Wings

All that remained of my wings was a single, solitary feather.

They’re gone; he took them. No, I gave them to him. What a stupid thing to do. I know you’re never supposed to give your wings away without the blessing of the elders. I was so madly in love I didn’t care.

Gone is the life I once knew. No more midnight flights to visit the stars and kiss the moon. To glide over the sea and play with the mermaids. That which was my greatest security became my greatest vulnerability. That which once kept me warm has left me naked in the wind. They are now in the hands of one who does not reciprocate my affection, and I am lost.

It’s not the end of the world, no. Nearly everyone loses their wings sooner or later. It just wasn’t supposed to happen this way. I’m mad at myself for being so naive. I place the feather in my sacred box, next to my heart. Now I journey to join the human world sooner than I imagined. And I go alone.

Dear Mentor

Dear Mentor,

I am hoping and praying for your presence in my life, and the sooner the better. Yes, I have plenty of mentor-like figures who have influenced my life, and yet I am desiring one to whom I can reveal myself more fully and openly on a regular basis. While I used to see a therapist, I eventually concluded that I did not want to pay money for someone to be my friend, to do life with me. I wanted to build a more personal relationship than that which is healthy in a therapist-patient connection.

I fear I may be too picky in the kind of person I want. I want God to give me a mentor, and yet I want it to be the kind of mentor I would like. Although I don’t know for sure exactly what I want, I have some ideas on what I don’t want, and I fear that might be just the thing God places in front of me.

I guess I want someone who will take the time to understand me and my background. Someone who has an understanding of and appreciation for mental and emotional health. I don’t want the vomiting of proverbs without the process of digesting them first, in order to make them concrete, applicable. Even the deepest wisdom is useless to the ears of one who does not understand the language.

I prefer someone who has a sense of humor, and doesn’t mind an occasional curse word here and there. Debate the morality of each if you wish, but I believe one must be genuine in order to experience growth. And sometimes being genuine entails exposing the crudeness and less reverent side of life.

I have begun every paragraph so far with the word I. I want to have a healthier view of myself and also of others. I possess a yearning for growth and for someone to help nurture me in my journey. And I need you, mentor, to challenge me while I challenge you, in hopes we can both become better versions of ourselves.

How I Define Success

That which is simply defined is often simply achieved, which is why I believe that for the definition of success to be encompassed in a single sentence would not be doing the word justice. At least, not to the satisfaction of the people who want to understand it.

If I were to define success as making lots of money – well, it’s simple to make lots of money. Now, if I defined success as obtaining lots of money by legal and ethical means as well as continuing to obtain money in such way, that becomes a little more complicated.

Success is a huge buzzword in the western world, especially now because people’s perception of its definition is changing drastically from what it used to be. I heard someone recently refer to success as “getting out of it what you put in.” I prefer to view success as the act of finding fulfillment by enriching one’s life as well as the lives of others.

There are many avenues by which mankind can find fulfillment. In my limited life experience, I have come to learn that there are various dimensions of wellness: physical, mental, spiritual, financial, to name a few. I believe the more we pursue wellness for ourselves, the more enrichment we find in life, therefore allowing us to pour that enrichment into other people.

Beware of trying to find fulfillment in one single, earthly source. If you believe fulfillment comes solely from a supernatural source – be it the universe, God, something greater than ourselves, etc. – cool. If, however, you look to a single finite element as your source, you will find yourself wanting. Money cannot buy love. A lover cannot provide unlimited happiness. Self-awareness does not equal self-improvement. Where one dimension of wellness suffers, they all suffer, which is why finding balance in life is important.

To me, being successful looks like becoming debt-free, finding an enjoyable-yet-sustainable source of income, developing more healthy relationships, replacing the sugar in my diet with more natural foods, maintaining an exercise routine through which I can achieve certain fitness goals, stimulating my emotional and intellectual growth, and deepening my faith.

In my mind, I have not yet “achieved success,” but I am on my way to becoming successful.

When Self Awareness Is Really Rumination

Many have complimented me for my self awareness, my ability to understand my personal growth challenges and identify my weaknesses. However, what many do not understand is that not all of my musings are a result of self awareness, but rather rumination.

Like a cow chewing its cud, I regurgitate my thoughts and turn them over and over in my head. Unlike a cow, I can never seem to fully digest them. They keep coming back up to haunt me. While I have done this for almost as long as I can remember, some periods of time are worse than others. My obsessing over various topics has kept me awake at night, trapped me in bed in the morning, and made me late or absent to scheduled engagements. Sometimes I can distract myself long enough to be productive; sometimes I can’t.

In trying to dig to the root of my struggle, I think I may have begun doing this as a self-soothing tactic to remedy my loneliness. I know that my thoughts are not logical, so instead of communicating them to others, I allow them full reign in my head. I don’t really think of it as anxiety as much as a means of comfort, much like a child sucking on her thumb.

I have tried to process these thoughts with people I am close to, but what I have discovered is I reason them away. I may acknowledge that they are illogical feelings, and almost apologize for them to the people I talk to. In recent reflection, I realized I still talk to my friends about the same thoughts and feelings I was having a year ago. The obsession is relentless.

So what do I do with all that? I have tried reasoning my feelings away, because I am a huge fan of being a person of reason, but there is no reasoning with feelings, no matter how convincing the argument. I think what I crave more than anything is for someone to enter into the worry with me, to cry with me before helping to bring me out of it. To help me realize that my feelings, however illogical, are valid.

What Physical Loneliness Looks Like

In my opinion, touch is one of the most intimate ways to express love to another. Of course, there are many dimensions and expressions of love, on emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and sexual levels. But at this stage of my life, touch is my favorite.

The only way to achieve physical intimacy as an adult is within the boundaries of a romantic relationship, or at least the simulation of one. No wonder so many people rush into unwise unions; how else are they supposed to feel the loving touch of another human being? Why can we not all love more overtly, without reserving such love for romance? Not that everyone should have sex with each other, but surely cuddling, kissing, hugging would be a way to build and strengthen bonds with one another as humans. To increase intimacy among mankind. With loneliness being a universal struggle, I believe all of us have a need to be nurtured in some way.

I once sat behind a couple at a public gathering, watching them interact with each other. She leaned on him, he scratched her back. Over, and over. Not just a quick pat, but a slow rubbing up and down to display affection. My blood boiled and fueled the tears of yearning hiding in my eyes. I don’t know what it’s like for someone to rub my back like that. But I want to.

Perhaps some would say I am desperate to be in a relationship. I do not altogether disagree with such allegations, nor do I fully agree either. I have fared quite well without a boyfriend, and do not believe I need one. However, what I do crave is physical contact. Not sex, necessarily, but some form of intimacy with other humans that conversation simply does not satisfy. I do not want to wait my entire life to seclude myself with one person; I want to make everyone feel loved. And it seems that reserving love for one person is a waste of the human heart.

When pondering “couple hood,” my mind immediately wanders to marriage. I think someday I do want to marry, but I have conflicting thoughts about it. Sometimes I think I can love others better by remaining single. But in a way I wish I could have sex with everyone. I know what it’s like to feel alone, isolated, desperate, helpless. And I don’t want other people to have to feel the way I have. Even if it’s just momentary relief, I want to give someone what has not been given me. I want to wrap my arms around them and love them, pretending that for once, everything is going to be okay. For them to experience my body and for me to experience theirs, to escape the world for a little while and go somewhere else. I want everyone to be able to feel that because the world is a broken place. I am broken. And I want to help other people put their pieces back together.

Eve’s Lament

I had a tryst with my husband last night, but it was different from any of our previous experiences together. We used to be so close, but now I can barely look him in the eye.

It wasn’t always like this. We used to walk in the garden freely, bathing in the beauty of the earth and of each other. We were one with the Creator. He would laugh and talk with us, and we lived in joy so great I couldn’t describe it if I tried. Now, darkness has fallen. I wear a cloak of shame and hide among the trees. I feel alone and afraid. Even when I stand next to my husband, I have never felt so far away from him. Somehow, he is just out of my reach. He is sad and distant. I am lonely and irritable. We manage to argue, although about what, I can’t even remember.

Last night, we had a few moments together during which it almost began to feel like old times. I almost felt that we could understand each other again. When I mustered the courage to look him in the eye, I saw the same desperation and remorse that I felt. I saw myself reflected in those eyes, and that comforted me. And, toward the end of those few moments, my body seized, being caught up in a blanket of light and ecstasy. I began to think that the darkness had been just a bad dream; I felt as though we were one again. I wanted to sing praises to the Creator, to laugh and talk with Him again, when the darkness returned several seconds later. Just like that, the moment had come and gone, and it became nothing but a memory.

I am scared for the future. Sometimes I feel as though my life is unbearable because of this terrible darkness. But those precious moments last night gave me hope that one day, the darkness will be undone. I know the Creator has a plan to make everything right again. If I could, I would want to tell Him that I’m sorry for everything. Last night, however, I think was a gift from Him. I think he wanted to tell me that, despite the mess I made, it will not last forever. Someday, the world will be restored to how it was meant to be.

Dear Future Me

I have a confession to make. With several acquaintances knowing me as the “sexually frustrated one,” I have to admit that I get really jealous of people my age and younger who are getting married. Don’t get me wrong; I love them and I’m glad that they found a spouse. But in a culture where it’s common to get married before you’re legally allowed to rent a car, sometimes I wonder if something’s wrong with me.

I let my thoughts run away with me sometimes. I see the beautiful brides and I think, “Why can’t I be in their position now? What do they have that I don’t?”

I can cook, bake, and clean, and I am learning to live within my means. I can sew, weave baskets, spin yarn, play the harp, and countless other things. More importantly, I have been working to better myself by exploring the depths of my emotional weaknesses and learning how to strengthen them. I am very self-aware, and I am perceptive of other’s emotions. I’ve spent hours journaling on why I get so emotional and how to remedy that. I am not perfect, but I’m doing the best I can to become a better person.

Ultimately I know that another person can never satisfy all my needs. First and foremost, I need to learn how to take care of myself, because that’s what being a healthy adult in 21st-century America entails. If I were to seek a romantic relationship now, perhaps it would stunt my growth. But that doesn’t make my loneliness any less frustrating.

So to my future self, I’m sorry that I’m not mature enough right now to relieve that loneliness. But I can’t be sorry for taking care of myself.

Sex, Fantasy, and Fifty Shades

Lately I’ve seen a lot of hype about the film rendition of Fifty Shades of Grey across the internet. Mostly it’s been a lot of protesting about how the story promotes sexual abuse and dominance. Personally I’m not really interested in the books or the movie, so my critique of the story would be limited at best. But I’m not here to write a critique – there are plenty already out there. I’m here to tell you some of my thoughts based on what I’ve observed about this latest uproar.

My concern lies in the conversations I read about how it’s a shame that young people today are indulging in stories like these and will not have a firm understanding of what true love or a satisfying sex life looks like. Before I continue, let me say that in no way do I condone sexual abuse, and I certainly hope that this post doesn’t come across that way. What I am saying is that we shouldn’t wait for stories like Fifty Shades to go viral before we start talking about how sex should be.

Upon looking up the author, I found a quote of hers that said that this story was essentially her sexual fantasies, which, in my opinion, puts a different perspective on how I view the story. While a woman may not publicly admit it, I think there exists in many women’s minds fantasies that are not intended to be played out in real life, be they sex with a stranger, being forcefully tied down, etc. Thoughts and emotions that allow the person to feel as though they’re not completely in control (while in reality they still are) help to increase the tension of the moment, making it more exciting and therefore easier to climax. When you put those fantasies on a screen, however, they turn into something seen as dominating and abusive, because it’s not meant to make sense in real life (hence why it’s a fantasy).

For those of you who don’t want your children to see this movie because you want to explain to them how beautiful true love and healthy sex is, that’s great. The problem is, not everyone wants to have that conversation, especially, I find, those of the more conservative mindsets. If you can’t even say the word sex without giggling or blushing, you’re probably not the first person I’m going to go to for advice in the matter. That’s why the majority of my sex ed came from Wikipedia, Urban Dictionary, and Game of Thrones. Google didn’t blush. It didn’t pause in an awkward silence thinking, “oh crap, I have to have this conversation with her.” It simply gave me the answers I was looking for and then some. And yes, some people did offer to talk about any questions I had. But I was so ignorant of my own body that I didn’t even know what questions to ask.

Maybe you giggle or smile because you have a great sex life. Maybe you’re remembering the night you had with your partner last week. But I can’t tell what you’re thinking. All I read is a change in your demeanor, which then makes me uncomfortable and feel that maybe I shouldn’t have brought it up.

For those of you who wonder why anyone would want to sit through a movie like that in a dark theatre surrounded by people, maybe it’s because it feels like a safe place. Maybe there are a lot of confused or frustrated young people trying to understand their bodies and biological functions, but can’t find the answers they need because their elders are too embarrassed to talk about it. Or if they aren’t, the conversation is weighted with fear that somebody is going to fuck somebody into abomination. And so in a way it almost makes sense to me to want to escape to the theatre where I don’t have to be embarrassed for wondering about my body and maybe less-than-traditional ways of having sex.