Eve’s Lament

I had a tryst with my husband last night, but it was different from any of our previous experiences together. We used to be so close, but now I can barely look him in the eye.

It wasn’t always like this. We used to walk in the garden freely, bathing in the beauty of the earth and of each other. We were one with the Creator. He would laugh and talk with us, and we lived in joy so great I couldn’t describe it if I tried. Now, darkness has fallen. I wear a cloak of shame and hide among the trees. I feel alone and afraid. Even when I stand next to my husband, I have never felt so far away from him. Somehow, he is just out of my reach. He is sad and distant. I am lonely and irritable. We manage to argue, although about what, I can’t even remember.

Last night, we had a few moments together during which it almost began to feel like old times. I almost felt that we could understand each other again. When I mustered the courage to look him in the eye, I saw the same desperation and remorse that I felt. I saw myself reflected in those eyes, and that comforted me. And, toward the end of those few moments, my body seized, being caught up in a blanket of light and ecstasy. I began to think that the darkness had been just a bad dream; I felt as though we were one again. I wanted to sing praises to the Creator, to laugh and talk with Him again, when the darkness returned several seconds later. Just like that, the moment had come and gone, and it became nothing but a memory.

I am scared for the future. Sometimes I feel as though my life is unbearable because of this terrible darkness. But those precious moments last night gave me hope that one day, the darkness will be undone. I know the Creator has a plan to make everything right again. If I could, I would want to tell Him that I’m sorry for everything. Last night, however, I think was a gift from Him. I think he wanted to tell me that, despite the mess I made, it will not last forever. Someday, the world will be restored to how it was meant to be.

Dear Future Me

I have a confession to make. With several acquaintances knowing me as the “sexually frustrated one,” I have to admit that I get really jealous of people my age and younger who are getting married. Don’t get me wrong; I love them and I’m glad that they found a spouse. But in a culture where it’s common to get married before you’re legally allowed to rent a car, sometimes I wonder if something’s wrong with me.

I let my thoughts run away with me sometimes. I see the beautiful brides and I think, “Why can’t I be in their position now? What do they have that I don’t?”

I can cook, bake, and clean, and I am learning to live within my means. I can sew, weave baskets, spin yarn, play the harp, and countless other things. More importantly, I have been working to better myself by exploring the depths of my emotional weaknesses and learning how to strengthen them. I am very self-aware, and I am perceptive of other’s emotions. I’ve spent hours journaling on why I get so emotional and how to remedy that. I am not perfect, but I’m doing the best I can to become a better person.

Ultimately I know that another person can never satisfy all my needs. First and foremost, I need to learn how to take care of myself, because that’s what being a healthy adult in 21st-century America entails. If I were to seek a romantic relationship now, perhaps it would stunt my growth. But that doesn’t make my loneliness any less frustrating.

So to my future self, I’m sorry that I’m not mature enough right now to relieve that loneliness. But I can’t be sorry for taking care of myself.

Sex, Fantasy, and Fifty Shades

Lately I’ve seen a lot of hype about the film rendition of Fifty Shades of Grey across the internet. Mostly it’s been a lot of protesting about how the story promotes sexual abuse and dominance. Personally I’m not really interested in the books or the movie, so my critique of the story would be limited at best. But I’m not here to write a critique – there are plenty already out there. I’m here to tell you some of my thoughts based on what I’ve observed about this latest uproar.

My concern lies in the conversations I read about how it’s a shame that young people today are indulging in stories like these and will not have a firm understanding of what true love or a satisfying sex life looks like. Before I continue, let me say that in no way do I condone sexual abuse, and I certainly hope that this post doesn’t come across that way. What I am saying is that we shouldn’t wait for stories like Fifty Shades to go viral before we start talking about how sex should be.

Upon looking up the author, I found a quote of hers that said that this story was essentially her sexual fantasies, which, in my opinion, puts a different perspective on how I view the story. While a woman may not publicly admit it, I think there exists in many women’s minds fantasies that are not intended to be played out in real life, be they sex with a stranger, being forcefully tied down, etc. Thoughts and emotions that allow the person to feel as though they’re not completely in control (while in reality they still are) help to increase the tension of the moment, making it more exciting and therefore easier to climax. When you put those fantasies on a screen, however, they turn into something seen as dominating and abusive, because it’s not meant to make sense in real life (hence why it’s a fantasy).

For those of you who don’t want your children to see this movie because you want to explain to them how beautiful true love and healthy sex is, that’s great. The problem is, not everyone wants to have that conversation, especially, I find, those of the more conservative mindsets. If you can’t even say the word sex without giggling or blushing, you’re probably not the first person I’m going to go to for advice in the matter. That’s why the majority of my sex ed came from Wikipedia, Urban Dictionary, and Game of Thrones. Google didn’t blush. It didn’t pause in an awkward silence thinking, “oh crap, I have to have this conversation with her.” It simply gave me the answers I was looking for and then some. And yes, some people did offer to talk about any questions I had. But I was so ignorant of my own body that I didn’t even know what questions to ask.

Maybe you giggle or smile because you have a great sex life. Maybe you’re remembering the night you had with your partner last week. But I can’t tell what you’re thinking. All I read is a change in your demeanor, which then makes me uncomfortable and feel that maybe I shouldn’t have brought it up.

For those of you who wonder why anyone would want to sit through a movie like that in a dark theatre surrounded by people, maybe it’s because it feels like a safe place. Maybe there are a lot of confused or frustrated young people trying to understand their bodies and biological functions, but can’t find the answers they need because their elders are too embarrassed to talk about it. Or if they aren’t, the conversation is weighted with fear that somebody is going to fuck somebody into abomination. And so in a way it almost makes sense to me to want to escape to the theatre where I don’t have to be embarrassed for wondering about my body and maybe less-than-traditional ways of having sex.

Loving Lonely

Do you feel lonely? Many people at some point in their lives will or have said yes.

There are a multitude of reasons for feeling lonely. People blame social media, or technology in general. But maybe you just struggle to connect with people, regardless of your use of the internet.

Maybe you’re lonely for a significant other. Maybe you’re lonely because you want to feel close to someone. Anyone. But you can’t.

But you know what? That’s okay. Loneliness hurts. And it’s okay to hurt. Because hurting is part of what makes us human.

How to stop feeling lonely? I honestly don’t know. Every person is different, so each requires a different solution. Part of what brings happiness is what we give to others. If I can make someone smile today, even just one person, if I can make a difference in one person’s life, then that is what’s important.

Maybe you help others, and you try your best and you’re still lonely. Maybe your self-esteem is fine. Maybe you try to connect with people but something still is missing.

I don’t have the answer to what’s missing. I don’t know how to cure loneliness – I’m lonely too. But maybe the first step is to accept it so that you can move on. When you learn to love yourself, maybe you can learn to love lonely too.

I think Tanya Davis does a great job of summing it up: