My Blog Anniversary 2020

In January of 2013, I began this blog as a sophomore in college. I was having trouble deciding what to major in, and I began writing as a way to help me figure out what to do, to help me figure out myself.

At first I wrote often – almost every week.  I wrote about things I enjoyed and things I wanted to learn more about. Things that confused me and things I longed for. I changed from declaring an undecided major to a bachelor of science in multimedia production, although I still didn’t know what I wanted to do with that. I chose a broad major in hopes by the time I graduated I would have it figured out, but graduation came and went and I still had no idea.

I continued to write, though less often. Writing was how I processed my thoughts, and in many ways it felt easier to write than it did to speak. I found that in the act of writing down what I’m thinking or struggling with, my process feels more complete. I don’t stumble over my words the way I do when I try to express myself verbally.

At the same time I wanted to maintain a healthy boundary on expressing vulnerability on the internet, so I kept hand-written journals and would save the less private thoughts for publishing online.

Throughout my journey I sought other ways of processing life: therapy, yoga, walking, and connecting with friends. Writing became just one of many tools, a supplement to help me create balance and to live more holistically.

These days I continue to write as a form of self-discipline. I’m still figuring out how to balance privacy without seeming sterile. If I do publish something online it’s usually with minimal details of events and people, and with a greater focus on reflections and emotional process. Countless times I’ve heard the advice “write what you know,” which often doesn’t leave me with much to write about other than myself. And so my journey continues.

Dear Future Me

I have a confession to make. With several acquaintances knowing me as the “sexually frustrated one,” I have to admit that I get really jealous of people my age and younger who are getting married. Don’t get me wrong; I love them and I’m glad that they found a spouse. But in a culture where it’s common to get married before you’re legally allowed to rent a car, sometimes I wonder if something’s wrong with me.

I let my thoughts run away with me sometimes. I see the beautiful brides and I think, “Why can’t I be in their position now? What do they have that I don’t?”

I can cook, bake, and clean, and I am learning to live within my means. I can sew, weave baskets, spin yarn, play the harp, and countless other things. More importantly, I have been working to better myself by exploring the depths of my emotional weaknesses and learning how to strengthen them. I am very self-aware, and I am perceptive of other’s emotions. I’ve spent hours journaling on why I get so emotional and how to remedy that. I am not perfect, but I’m doing the best I can to become a better person.

Ultimately I know that another person can never satisfy all my needs. First and foremost, I need to learn how to take care of myself, because that’s what being a healthy adult in 21st-century America entails. If I were to seek a romantic relationship now, perhaps it would stunt my growth. But that doesn’t make my loneliness any less frustrating.

So to my future self, I’m sorry that I’m not mature enough right now to relieve that loneliness. But I can’t be sorry for taking care of myself.