Lighting the Inner Fire

Every so often, my spirit goes through cycles – periods of light and shadow much like the passing seasons.

Recently I found myself in a shadow. Disconnected from my sacred Essence, I felt lost and alone. A heaviness settled on my chest as I found myself stuck in an isolated darkness.

I do not have a formula for how to escape these shadows. For this particular storm, reading an inspiring book to remind myself of my inner flame was enough to rekindle the fire within. But still the heaviness remains. Some days feel lighter than others. I walk a sacred path and I recognize the value of my solitude. When I can, I connect with others to share a kindred flame, strengthening myself for when I am alone again.

My journey is one which no one else can walk for me, and that is hard. Keeping my soul fire lit is a lifelong learning process, although (simply enough) it is best fueled by love. Sometimes I forget that. But today I remember. Today I am connected to my soul fire, however faint the ember.

Looking Back, Looking Forward; Reflections on Entering the New Year

As I write this, I am taking in the warmth of my surroundings: the flickering candles, the twinkling Christmas lights, my fuzzy slippers. Outside the patter of rain makes me grateful to have a place where I can be warm and dry. I reflect.

I didn’t technically announce it on my blog, but I announced on other social media platforms that I officially became debt-free in September of 2018.

This past year I became certified as a yoga instructor with an emphasis in trauma-sensitive yoga (hence the trauma books I mentioned in my last post.) I was able to travel to Illinois and also to Ohio to attend yoga immersions to complete my certification.

I’ve had more personal, less public elements I’ve grown through over the past couple years, and I’m proud of how far I’ve come. This coming year I shall continue to grow, read more books, learn new things.

I am strong, resilient, supported. I have faithful friends for whom I am immensely grateful. And I am grateful for you, my readers, for joining me on my journey. May your new year be full of peace.

My Debt Free Dance!

Confession of Anger

Forgive me, Father, for my anger.

And not for the anger itself, but for the depth to which my anger roots itself to my soul.

I have caressed it, coddled it like a child, raised it up to grow into a monster. Feeling blessed by my own self-righteousness I give way to bitterness, resentment, envy. They make me feel good. They are faithful friends who stay by my side, nursing my hurt and making me powerful.

But this is not the way of Love. Love takes hurt into her arms and weeps. Her tears wash away the filth in my soul, melting the monsters I have grown to cherish. She puts pain in its proper place – acknowledging it, grieving it, transforming it – and letting it go.

Snapshot: My Lovely Saturday Night

“I’ll be taking wonderful care of you tonight,” my waiter said as he opened his notepad and readied his pen. My order was simple: water, lobster bisque, and biscuits. He dashed off to the kitchen, his feet almost as quick as his speech.

Alone with my thoughts, I took in my surroundings: the soft thump, thump, thump of the base drum on the radio, the low lighting creating an air of privacy, the Canadian man sitting behind me talking about his trip to Florida. A baby cried in an adjacent room. Nearby, some servers gathered around one of the cash registers to share a joke. I wondered if anyone would find it strange for a woman to eat dinner alone in a restaurant, but it didn’t seem to matter.

Wearing my new (to me) sweater and sporting a fresh haircut, I figured tonight was as much a night as any to celebrate. It had been awhile since I’d taken myself “out on a date,” and the gift card I had received gave me the perfect opportunity to do so. I would not look at my phone tonight. Instead, I savored the environment – the mainstream, commercialized bistro I had learned to love from childhood – and drew comfort from its familiarity. I basked in gratefulness for the beauty of these moments, moments I hadn’t experienced in a long time.

I had lost sight of something. Of myself. I had forgotten how nice it felt to do something special – by myself. Here, now, I could be fully present, and present I was – well, at least until I realized I had almost finished my soup. It was so good I nearly forgot to enjoy it. The bisque tasted like the sea and like a warm hug all at once, and the cheesy, buttery biscuits melted in my mouth.

I thought about how I had no one to talk to there, but I didn’t mind. My soul was content to rest and reflect and simply be, without having to focus on conversation. Sometimes loneliness is a beautiful thing.

The waiter gave me a small bag to pack up the extra biscuits; I gave him an extra tip for his sweet demeanor. My spirit was overflowing with joy from being fully alive and fully myself. It really was a quick supper – I was in and out in under and hour – but my heart was full. And so was my belly.

Getting Debt-Free by Going Waste-Free

As I learn more about money management, I can’t help wanting to learn more about life management as well. And part of living a balanced life involves being mindful of what I consume and how I consume it.

One girl I follow on social media, Lauren Singer, has been my main inspiration for transitioning to a waste-free lifestyle. What does that mean? To me, that means learning ways to produce less waste and live more naturally – not because I’m turning into a hippie, but because being mindful of my consumption is leading me to a healthier way of living.

How do I do that? I’m starting by taking baby steps. After I’m finished with my current plastic toothbrush I plan to buy bamboo toothbrushes, which break down much faster than plastic. I am also using bar soap for my face and body. Bar soap requires less packaging than body wash or other liquid soap, and can also be more beneficial for the skin if it contains natural ingredients. A third step is changing out my plastic razors for a stainless steel safety razor. That is my most recent purchase, and I have to say I’ve actually enjoyed the progress of learning how to use it.

Not all of the change is fun, however. In addition to using bar soap for my skin, I have also started using a shampoo bar for my hair. For the last six weeks, my hair has been one greasy mess as the residual silicone and chemicals from drugstore shampoo have slowly disappeared. In their place, my body is having to re-train itself on how much oil it produces to regulate my hair. One thing that has helped with this is rinsing my hair with lemon juice on occasion; it functions as a conditioner as well as a way to cut through the grease. Showering in the morning has also been very helpful, instead of going to bed with wet hair (although I’m usually a night-shower-er, so that’s really weird for me!).

The most challenging and probably most tedious next step for me will be reducing my food waste. I find it much more convenient, and often cheaper, to buy frozen vegetables in plastic packaging than buying fresh ones and cutting them up and potentially having to throw them out because I didn’t eat them quickly enough. I also don’t like cooking and meal-planning in general, so my journey with eating habits has always been a difficult one. I hope to remedy this by developing more consistent routines with meal-planning, and perhaps even utilizing the local farmers’ market more.

I still live pretty wastefully, so when I say I’m taking baby steps I mean really baby steps. I imagine it will take many months for me to transition to where I want to be, but it starts with becoming a conscious consumer and growing from there.

My Money-Awareness Tricks

Everyone’s financial situation is different. These are some things I do as part of being aware of my spending and developing responsibility.

Save $2. Don’t use the dryer unless absolutely necessary.

I don’t own a washer or a dryer, so sometimes I will use public laundry facilities. However, it’s even better when you have friends who will let you borrow their washers and dryers. If you have enough friends who have their own, you can rotate whose you borrow so it won’t be an issue. Plus they smell much better than the smoky public ones.
Use amazonsmile.com. Donate to charity when you shop.

Not really a money-saving trick, but something good to do.
Have multiple savings accounts like a student account.

I opened accounts at a new bank when I began college. I had one checking and one savings. The savings account was one I couldn’t withdraw from unless I went to the bank personally, simply because it was a student savings account. After graduating, I still kept that account open while creating another savings account without the student status. Having the two savings accounts has helped me because the student one is “locked up” until I physically go in and permit the withdrawal of money. It creates another layer of conscientiousness about where and how I’m using money.
Use a budgeting app like Mint.
Make a list of household items you want to buy – underwear, trash can, Windex…

Break up the list to small monthly purchases. I once set aside $12 to purchase a really nice wastebasket. Two years later I still have it and love it.
Buy name brand jeans at Goodwill.
Host a clothing swap.

One of my friends did this: Get a group of friends together for a “party” where everyone brings unwanted clothing items. You basically get to go shopping in your living room, and whatever is left over goes to Goodwill.
Christmas/birthday money goes toward debt.
Tax return goes toward emergency purchases or debt.
“Fun money” goes toward things like trying new shampoo or lotion.

I used to not buy lotion because it seems frivolous to me. I still rarely buy it, but when I do it is a luxury, and I try to get a different kind of lotion every time so it seems new and exciting.
Host potlucks

Great for spending time with friends and eating a full meal for a low cost.
Create wish lists for different stores; then you know how to break down gift cards when you receive them.
Don’t buy anything you can borrow from the library.
Invest in a microwave.
Save on heat; buy microwaveable body wrap.

In the cold times I heat it up and put it under the covers at the foot of my bed. It helps to keep me warm so I can fall asleep.
Buy cheap disposable razors; spend an average of $4 per month.

Not the most environmentally friendly option, but I hear of other people spending up to $10 per month on razor blades. If I can make a razor last the whole month before it gets dull or icky, then it’s really only like spending $2 per month.

Why Anxiety Is Not a Sin

You’ve heard it before: “fear not,” “do not worry,” “be not anxious for tomorrow,” and Christians will say they struggle with anxiety, and they need to pray more and trust God. If sin means doing something bad, and worrying is something bad to do, then yes, I supposed worrying or being anxious would be a sin. But the equation is not that simple, because people are not that simple.

An anxiety disorder, while linked to many causes, can be an indication that parts of the brain are underdeveloped due to stunted growth caused by verbal or emotional abuse. And so to say that I just need to stop worrying because it’s sinful is like telling me to use a part of my brain that doesn’t exist. It doesn’t make sense. What that shows is a lack of understanding of how the mind works as well as a lack of understanding of what sin is.

Sometimes, basic worrying can stem from truth. It’s natural and healthy to be afraid of getting too close to the edge of a cliff. Being anxious can also be an acknowledgement of our lack of control. When anxiety overwhelms us, we can reach out to another person for help so they can assure us we are safe, or if we’re not then we will get to a safe place.

Beyond that, when you have full-blown disorders where you can’t breathe or stand or see, telling a person they are sinning is not going to make them less anxious. It may even make it worse. So what really is sin?

Too often we think of sin as doing bad things. That’s part of it. Murdering someone is sin. But the origin of the word sin means “missing the mark,” as in aiming for a target but not hitting it. In a broader sense, I tend to think of sin as a curse. We are cursed with missing the mark. Limiting sin to a definition of doing bad things only perpetuates shame and reasons to hate oneself. Because if we’re really as sinful as the Bible says we are, we must be doing bad things all the time without realizing it, including existing. And it is a dangerous thing to tell someone their existence is a bad thing (but that can be a conversation for a different post).

To tell someone they are sinning because their brain is underdeveloped is wrong. It may be more accurate to suppose that any abuse, disorder, disease, negativity is a result of being under a curse. It’s not someone’s fault that their brain didn’t fully develop since they were abused, so don’t tell them to “stop sinning.”

The idea behind Christianity is that Jesus broke the curse. And until everything is restored, we are on earth learning how to live in a new reality. Just like in the show Once Upon a Time the people of Storybrook entered a new life, yet were still under the results of the curse; Christians still live with disorders, disease, and many other bad things just like everyone else. But the brokenness isn’t the end-all-be-all. Because one day everything will be made right.

15 Books Women Should Read

I came across a list entitled “25 Books Every Girl Should Read Before She Turns 25.” I am now rushing to read them all because my birthday is in just a few weeks. Upon looking over the list, I realized a lot of the books are novels. I have nothing against novels; in fact, I should probably read more. However, I’m going through a stage now where nonfiction is more interesting to me. Because a person’s twenties are such a crucial decade to one’s development and growth, I find it important to read material that aides in that.

As such, I have decided to make a list of books I have read that have been helpful in my journey of self-discovery (yes, some of them are even novels). They may not be for everyone, as they are specific to my needs and beliefs, but perhaps you will find one or two that are helpful to you. Feel free to add more suggestions in the comments below.

Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes

If you’re not big into reading, don’t start with this one. It’s amazing, but it also took me months to read. But it’s worth it! It explains the wisdom of ancient tales and the lessons we can learn from them. It travels deep into the female psyche, teaching women to unlock their inner wisdom.
Spider Woman’s Web by Susan Hazen-Hammond

I think of this one as almost a simpler version of Women Who Run With the Wolves. A swift read, but a meaningful one. It also explores old tales, but specifically focusing on those of Native American tradition. At the end of each chapter are questions beckoning readers to dig deep within themselves, exploring their past and embracing their present.
Released from Shame by Sandra D. Wilson

This is a fantastic book for anyone struggling with relentless shame, low self-worth, doubt, etc. Even if this doesn’t describe you, it opens a window of understanding toward those it does describe. Again, it challenges the reader to look inward for growth and self-awareness.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough? by Karyl McBride

Think of this book as a very specific version of Released from Shame. It peers into rocky relationships between mothers and daughters, and it reveals how influential the mother-daughter relationship is in women’s lives. Even if you have/had a great relationship with your mother, this can be helpful in accessing your own inner mother to yourself as well as growing as a mother to your children.
The Vagina Monologues by Eve Ensler

Some people love it, some people don’t. But it certainly does offer interesting perspectives on the female genitalia.
Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero

The author emphasizes the importance of not sacrificing that which is good and healthy in the name of being “spiritual.” It is written from a Christian perspective, but the points made are excellent for those of any spiritual background. Emotional health is an important thing, and good spirituality should enhance that, not sabotage it.
The Absolutely True Diary of a Part Time Indian by Sherman Alexie

A novel about a young, Native American man and his journey of transferring schools and the experiences that come with it. I have almost no grounds to relate to this character, but the author did a fantastic job of placing me in the character’s shoes to understand his thoughts and feelings. It also gave me a clearer perspective of modern Native American culture.
The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell

I was required to read this book for a writing class I took, but I learned a lot about societal trends and how little things can become epidemics. An example that immediately comes to mind is how Justin Bieber became so popular almost overnight. Gladwell doesn’t specifically mention Justin Bieber, but that’s kinda of the idea of what he talks about.
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

A coming of age novel about a young man following his dream. I normally hate the idea of “following your dreams,” (a topic for a different post), but I’d say this story is far from cheesy.
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime by Mark Haddon

A novel I couldn’t put down, giving me the perspective of one whose life is very different from mine, and also increasing my empathy and understanding for others.
A Three Dog Life by Abigail Thomas

Written by a woman whose husband was forever changed by a terrible accident, A Three Dog Life chronicles her journey of creating a new normal. My comments cannot do this books justice. But I will say that it was enriching for me to read because it helped me step outside my personal bubble to learn about someone who is in a different stage of life from me.
The Things They Carried by Tim O’Brien

I found an deepening of two things as a result of having reading this book: my understanding of those involved in/affected by the Vietnam War, and my respect for said people.
Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller

The subtitle of this book is “Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality.” Written by a former atheist, the author is not trying to shove an ideology down your throat. He’s simply writing about his experience, which I loved reading about. Great for those exploring their own spirituality.
A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23 by W. Phillip Keller

Psalm 23 is a commonly quoted poem at funerals, but that wasn’t necessarily what the original author had in mind when he wrote it. This book is written by a shepherd who knows the ins and outs of the daily life of sheep, and it will increase your appreciation for the shepherd’s psalm.
Sexual Fluidity by Lisa Diamond

I don’t have a lot of well-developed thoughts on this book because I’m still reading it. However, I am learning more about female sexuality, and it’s fascinating.

Writing Exercise: My Wings

All that remained of my wings was a single, solitary feather.

They’re gone; he took them. No, I gave them to him. What a stupid thing to do. I know you’re never supposed to give your wings away without the blessing of the elders. I was so madly in love I didn’t care.

Gone is the life I once knew. No more midnight flights to visit the stars and kiss the moon. To glide over the sea and play with the mermaids. That which was my greatest security became my greatest vulnerability. That which once kept me warm has left me naked in the wind. They are now in the hands of one who does not reciprocate my affection, and I am lost.

It’s not the end of the world, no. Nearly everyone loses their wings sooner or later. It just wasn’t supposed to happen this way. I’m mad at myself for being so naive. I place the feather in my sacred box, next to my heart. Now I journey to join the human world sooner than I imagined. And I go alone.

Dear Mentor

Dear Mentor,

I am hoping and praying for your presence in my life, and the sooner the better. Yes, I have plenty of mentor-like figures who have influenced my life, and yet I am desiring one to whom I can reveal myself more fully and openly on a regular basis. While I used to see a therapist, I eventually concluded that I did not want to pay money for someone to be my friend, to do life with me. I wanted to build a more personal relationship than that which is healthy in a therapist-patient connection.

I fear I may be too picky in the kind of person I want. I want God to give me a mentor, and yet I want it to be the kind of mentor I would like. Although I don’t know for sure exactly what I want, I have some ideas on what I don’t want, and I fear that might be just the thing God places in front of me.

I guess I want someone who will take the time to understand me and my background. Someone who has an understanding of and appreciation for mental and emotional health. I don’t want the vomiting of proverbs without the process of digesting them first, in order to make them concrete, applicable. Even the deepest wisdom is useless to the ears of one who does not understand the language.

I prefer someone who has a sense of humor, and doesn’t mind an occasional curse word here and there. Debate the morality of each if you wish, but I believe one must be genuine in order to experience growth. And sometimes being genuine entails exposing the crudeness and less reverent side of life.

I have begun every paragraph so far with the word I. I want to have a healthier view of myself and also of others. I possess a yearning for growth and for someone to help nurture me in my journey. And I need you, mentor, to challenge me while I challenge you, in hopes we can both become better versions of ourselves.

Save $2. Don’t use the dryer unless absolutely necessary.

Use amazonsmile.com. Donate to charity when you shop.

Have multiple savings accounts like a student account.

Use a budgeting app like Mint.

Make a list of household items you want to buy – underwear, trash can, Windex…

Buy name brand jeans at Goodwill.

Host a clothing swap.

Christmas/birthday money goes toward debt.

Tax return goes toward emergency purchases or debt.

“Fun money” goes toward things like trying new shampoo or lotion.

Host potlucks

Create wish lists for different stores; then you know how to break down gift cards when you receive them.

Don’t buy anything you can borrow from the library.

Invest in a microwave.

Save on heat; buy microwaveable body wrap.

Buy cheap disposable razors; spend an average of $4 per month.