I, Songwriter

I thought I wanted to be a songwriter until I realized what went into writing a good, popular song.

As a child, I grew up in a religious (and sheltered) home, so I patterned some of my first songs after hymns, which could have up to seven verses. Not until I was older did I realize most songs have only two verses, because that’s all that can fit into a song most people will listen to.

As I wrote more, I became more creative with beats and instrumentation, but my songs were still overtly religious. The famous saying goes, “Write what you know,” and that really was all I knew. But my musical tastes began to change, and I listened to more mainstream music. My eyes opened to a vast world waiting to be explored. I had had no idea just how big and diverse the world was until I entered college.

A lot of songs you hear these days revolve around love, breakups, sex, and going to clubs, among other experiences, many of which I have never encountered. I have learned much just by listening to songs many deem shallow or cheesy. Songwriters will say they write from their experiences, and people relate to them. I desire to relate, not because I want to be just another crowd-follower, but because I want to understand the people around me. I want to understand what public school was like, how young people learned about the world around them, how they experienced pop culture.

I cannot write mainstream music because I do not have mainstream life experience – whatever that is. I have been in love before, but I have never had a boyfriend, or gone to a club. Not that these are the only things I need to do to “fit in,” but I still feel very naive about the world. I yearn to grasp the way people interact with each other, what they do on weekends, how they have fun, what gives them meaning. Every person is different, but some life experiences are more common than others.

My lack of common experience limits my ability to write catchy songs. I am not denying that I have something of value to offer the world, I just haven’t figured out what that is and how to do it yet.

Emptying the Inbox

In the past couple years I have developed my own style of minimalism for my life. I possess a distaste for clutter, and have improved my ability to detach sentimentality from objects that no longer add value to my life.

Since graduating college, I created a goal to empty my email inboxes, because digital minimalism is just as important to me as physical minimalism. Deleting and archiving most of my college emails was easy. The other challenge was cleaning up my personal inbox.

While I deleted many emails, there were many that I kept, but not in my inbox. I created enough folders to keep everything organized, but not enough to constitute another level of clutter. Creating categories such as bills versus family emails, or specific locations I’ve lived in, have been incredibly helpful in this process. I can now proudly say that my personal inbox has under ten emails in it, as I have learned to sort my mail as it comes in.

I understand that not everyone can do this because some receive hundreds of emails per day. I cannot say I know what that experience is like. However, I have discussed with some friends how useful “digital housekeeping” can be these days, and how it would be an interesting adventure to pursue that service as a line of work to clients.

I do not know exactly everything that that service would entail, but it is an area that interests me, and I would love to hear readers’ thoughts on it. Whenever I learn something that is useful in my life, I become excited to share it with others in hopes their lives can improve as well.

Exposed Soul

The summer is coming to an end, but it will still be awhile before cooler weather sets in. I remember last summer feeling like I was seeing a lot of posts about modesty, but this summer I don’t recall seeing as many.

This is not going to be another post on how women should/should not cover up; there are plenty of those on the internet. What this is about is some thoughts I have on clothing from a slightly different perspective.

I wish we could all walk around naked without being judged, but that is not socially or legally acceptable in 2015. But I wonder if our focus should be less on exposed skin and more on an exposed soul.

Let me explain. Any form of exposure requires a degree of vulnerability. Some people are completely comfortable showing skin, while others are more comfortable sharing personal stories or emotional experiences. Some are fine with both or neither. Could the two be related? Could it be that the more skin I expose, the less comfortable I feel revealing my soul? Or is it that the more I cover up, the more insecure I am about how people would react if they knew the true me?

Even in the famous story of Adam and Eve, the two of them walked around naked and were completely vulnerable in all aspects. After the Fall, they covered up, not only physically, but perhaps emotionally as well.

I tend to show more skin than many of my conservative friends may be comfortable with, so I am not going to shun you based on how much or how little you cover up. What interests me more is the core of a human being: who she really is beneath the masks of social constraints. What are you struggling with that you’re afraid to tell anyone? What are you covering up that is keeping you from being healthy? That is what matters to me.

Theatre and the Internal Battle

Recently I have attended live theatre and loved it. Straight plays especially I am seeing these days contain challenging subject matter that beckons the audience to ask difficult questions. I love it when the art of live theatre serves a purpose in enriching people’s lives. However, recently I have discovered the changes in my taste for entertainment.

As many who know me are aware, I am passionate about emotional and mental health, especially my own. I have spent hours analyzing my emotions, habits, lifestyle, and childhood to determine why I think and feel certain ways, and how to improve those parts of my life that are unhealthy.

How does this affect my tastes for live theatre? I am realizing that the reason many shows are challenging is because the characters are not healthy. It is easy to see the unhealthy decisions of someone on a stage, but it is more difficult to identify those same issues in real life, which is what makes theatre so beautiful. An awareness or a call to attention of a character’s flaws creates a deeper awareness of our own flaws or the flaws of the world. This awareness in turn elicits a response from us, be it a call to action, or at least developing a unique perspective of an area in which one was previously oblivious.

The problem I have is that often I see elements of myself on stage played out in ways that do not allow for a resolution. At the conclusion of a given play, the audience is left to create their own resolution, their own determination to not turn out the way the characters might have. This can be a positive thing, especially if it motivates the audience to live healthier lives. Where I am in my own life, however, seeing dangerous life decisions played out onstage brings me pain because I am trying as hard as I can to avoid a similar fate.

In the midst of my daily anxieties, stressors, and irritants, during which I like to imagine the worst case scenario, I have thought that perhaps one day I will create short dramas to put on a stage to get them out of my head and out of my way in life. I think many people before me have already done that, as we hear stories of artists who lived tortured lives and wrote from dark places. It makes for great drama, because no one wants to watch a story in which everyone is perfectly happy the entire time. My hope is that the events I see onstage will not become a reality in my own life.

And so while I may need to take a break from live dramas to work on my own life, I hope one day I will learn to maintain a certain disconnect from people I watch in stories so as to enjoy them more.

Dear Future Me

I have a confession to make. With several acquaintances knowing me as the “sexually frustrated one,” I have to admit that I get really jealous of people my age and younger who are getting married. Don’t get me wrong; I love them and I’m glad that they found a spouse. But in a culture where it’s common to get married before you’re legally allowed to rent a car, sometimes I wonder if something’s wrong with me.

I let my thoughts run away with me sometimes. I see the beautiful brides and I think, “Why can’t I be in their position now? What do they have that I don’t?”

I can cook, bake, and clean, and I am learning to live within my means. I can sew, weave baskets, spin yarn, play the harp, and countless other things. More importantly, I have been working to better myself by exploring the depths of my emotional weaknesses and learning how to strengthen them. I am very self-aware, and I am perceptive of other’s emotions. I’ve spent hours journaling on why I get so emotional and how to remedy that. I am not perfect, but I’m doing the best I can to become a better person.

Ultimately I know that another person can never satisfy all my needs. First and foremost, I need to learn how to take care of myself, because that’s what being a healthy adult in 21st-century America entails. If I were to seek a romantic relationship now, perhaps it would stunt my growth. But that doesn’t make my loneliness any less frustrating.

So to my future self, I’m sorry that I’m not mature enough right now to relieve that loneliness. But I can’t be sorry for taking care of myself.

Quirky Christendom

Christianity is a weird religion. Traditionally speaking, you meet up with a group of people you don’t know on a Sunday morning, and you listen to someone speak. You sing a few songs, and then you leave. If you’re lucky, you might have a Bible study to go to during the week. But that’s about it. I guess what’s weird to me is that within Christianity, people seem to focus only on their spiritual health and not much else.

I’m thinking in contrast to other religions in which physical health, diet, and relationships are more of the focus. For example, when you think of certain Eastern religions, you may think of yoga, meditation, or certain dietary restrictions. While the main thing that sets Christianity apart from other religions is that it’s not a performance-based religion, sometimes I wonder if the Christian Church wouldn’t benefit from taking one’s overall well-being into consideration. The beauty of Christianity is that everyone is different, yes, and everyone is in a different point in their journeys. While spiritual health is very important, there are more dimensions of wellness than just spirituality.

You also have physical, emotional, financial, social, and environmental health. When one of these elements suffers, it can affect one’s overall well-being. I’m not saying that the Church should be responsible for everyone’s health in all aspects of life, but I think it would be cool if, when people heard the word “Christian,” they would think, “Oh yeah, Christians are some of the healthiest people I know.”

Then again, you don’t go the a bank in hopes they can help you with a broken arm, and you don’t go to a hospital to get a loan. So I guess these dimensions of wellness should be separate, it just seems strange to me.

I guess what I’m saying is, I want more people in general to care about their overall well-being, because I know how difficult it can be to do that. I’m still learning how to take care of myself in the most basic of ways, and I don’t really have anyone to teach me what a healthy adult is supposed to look like.

These are my thoughts for the day, so thanks for reading my tirade.

Minimalism and the Internet

I am now settled into my new apartment with the adventures of adulthood knocking at my door. For the first month of my living here, I thought I would experiment with not purchasing a wifi plan and seeing how long I could last.

Not the best idea.

I will say this: I’m not a fan of people who are addicted to their screens. Sometimes I can be that person, although I try not to be. I figured it was worth trying to go without internet and therefore purging what wasn’t adding value to my life. Hopefully it would force me to get out more.

The problem I had was that instead of going out more, I stayed in more. I cocooned. Being introverted, I already don’t like to go out much, and not having internet only made me feel more lonely and less connected. Sometimes, if I have several days off from work, I may not even leave my house because I see no reason to. I entertain myself with cleaning, crafting, and reading. Sometimes I would try to hang out with friends, but I’m also in that stage where I’m trying to find a community outside of college, which brings with it its own unique challenges. There are only so many things to do inside a house before boredom joins the party.

I want to view the internet as a tool, and I admit I do waste time on it, but if I’m not going to leave my house anyway, at least the internet gives me the ability to find new articles, watch movies, and see what other people my age are up to.

Hopefully as time goes on, I may find more valuable ways to pass the time, but for now, this is where I am in my journey.

Chronic Guilt

Of the many difficulties women tend to face, one that I particularly wrestle with daily is guilt. To quote a woman I once knew, “I came out of the womb apologizing.” Different women may struggle with this to different degrees, and some may not encounter it at all, but it is a very real thing, regardless if it all seems to be just in your head.

Regardless of how many times we tell ourselves that we don’t have anything to feel guilty about, that nagging feeling that we’re doing something wrong never fails to wheedle its way into our subconscious, contaminating even the most innocent of intentions. If I say such and such, it might come across wrong. But if I don’t say it, I’ll be wishing I did. Just recently, I was talking with a friend of mine about this, and we were surprised to discover that we both feel guilty spending money. Buying food is perfectly logical and necessary, but saving money is essential. Buying clothes that fit well is important, but we can survive without – no use wasting money. The problem with this mindset is that money in and of itself isn’t really worth anything, but is rather a tool that we can use to help us obtain what we need to survive, and perhaps even splurge on an occasional treat if circumstances allow.

No matter how many times I hear the saying, “Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish, it’s an investment,” I still think that I am inconveniencing someone just by existing. So to all the women (and men), who battle with this, I want to tell you that you’re not alone. Let’s be friends, and then we’ll feel guilty together.

Tricky Transitions

Some of my readers may know that I started this blog a couple years ago when I was trying to figure out what to declare as my college major. Because writing helps me to sort out my thoughts, I was hoping that blogging would help me better understand my areas of interest and therefore better understand myself. While I eventually did declare a major that I ended up graduating with, I find myself in a familiar place of not knowing what I want to do with my life.

The time right after graduation was challenging. I was starting a new job, getting ready to move, and trying to figure out what friends were in the area and available to spend time with. Meanwhile, the need for a consistent budget haunted me day and night, as I was an emerging adult who was quickly becoming fully responsible for supporting herself. I would feel lonely, but then feel guilty because my circumstances were pretty decent, and I wasn’t suffering from a huge crisis. I say these things in past tense, but really I am still working through each element as I learn how to act grown up like so many before me.

Other young people I have talked to empathize with me as they remember how difficult their time of transition out of school/into independent adulthood was. It is comforting and validating to know that I am not alone in my struggles, but I wish there was more concrete advice to be given for those who find themselves in similar situations. As frustrating as it can be, however, there is no set formula for how to survive outside of school. Yes, community, budgeting, and hobbies are all worthy goals to pursue, but what do you do when you are pursuing those things and you still feel lonely and disinterested? The most common thing that I seem to hear is to just keep on keepin’ on. I guess that’s really all I can do, regardless of how fruitless the journey seems at the moment. I will figure it out eventually, but it is frustrating how the seemingly pettiest of challenges are often the trickiest to maneuver.

The Adult Cult

I joined a cult called “Adult”:
Ditching the dramas for the documentaries
And embracing the boring which many call life.
Scheduled into a system
Formed by the few for the many
Leaving little room for spontaneity.
Where is the creativity, the craziness,
The charisma from our youth?
We have traded the marvelous
For the mundane mediocrity
Of daily life. In the name of
Making money,
We have drowned our dreams
In the depths of human sorrow.
I have come to realize
That what troubles me are not
The traumas of a lifetime – those
I can handle – but rather
The pesky flies of petty problems.
The daily disturbances and annoyances
Coupled with the crippling hopelessness
That comes with realizing
That that’s just the way it is.