The Gathering

Inspired by Bruno Pirecki’s debut novel Town Lawe as well as Ben Franklin’s Junto (which later became the American Philosophical Society), I decided to start my own communal gathering. Both the examples listed depict people coming together to discuss ideas and pursue wisdom. And that’s what I wanted to do.

As someone who naturally resonates with the lone wolf archetype, I am often drawn to self-sufficiency out of fear that the need for community is based in weakness. But ultimately humans are communal creatures, and the cultivation of a healthy community can be incredibly life giving. I reached out to some friends individually to pitch the idea to them: I wanted to start a weekly gathering to build community and to pursue wisdom through the discussion of various topics.

Some people attend once and others come every week; I usually provide a charcuterie board of sorts so no one needs to leave hungry. Through my commitment to set aside this time and space on a weekly basis, a small group of about three or four of us meet to talk, often late into the night, about our questions, observations, frustrations, and celebrations in life. Sometimes the conversation doesn’t go very deep; other times I find myself revealing vulnerable truths I wrestle with as I search for growth and healing. The whole process has felt like a necessary part of leaning into what it means to be human, at least for me.

And as I have sought to offer value to others, I have found that blessing returning to me as well. There have been times I felt exhausted, and a friend furnished and prepared the snacks for me so I didn’t have to. As I have attempted to cultivate an environment of trust for others, so I have found I am able to express more vulnerable parts of myself and allow others to speak encouragement into my insecurities. This, I believe, is part of what it means to pursue wisdom.

The Passion Conversation, Continued

I discovered a few years ago the idea of cultivating a passion instead of finding it. The article on the Minimalists website explaining this idea brought validation to the struggle I felt so strongly in college to find something I was passionate about so I could be like my peers. During one lecture in college the speaker even asked, “What are you willing to lose sleep over?” as an exercise to determine what we get excited – or passionate – about. But the silent answer I came up with was that I’m not willing to lose sleep over anything because sleep is important. It’s important to live a balanced, healthy life.

And so my journey of personal growth developed over the years. I still love sleep every bit as much as I did in college, and I become vexed if I can’t have my sleep. As I have explored in many of my previous posts, I have many interests and many things I love to learn about. However, I only love to explore them if I can do so in a healthy way.

As I’ve grown, I’ve realized I do indeed have passion within my being, just not a traditional, 21st-century type passion. My passion is not for a particular career or cause, but for life itself.

Snapshot: My Lovely Saturday Night

“I’ll be taking wonderful care of you tonight,” my waiter said as he opened his notepad and readied his pen. My order was simple: water, lobster bisque, and biscuits. He dashed off to the kitchen, his feet almost as quick as his speech.

Alone with my thoughts, I took in my surroundings: the soft thump, thump, thump of the base drum on the radio, the low lighting creating an air of privacy, the Canadian man sitting behind me talking about his trip to Florida. A baby cried in an adjacent room. Nearby, some servers gathered around one of the cash registers to share a joke. I wondered if anyone would find it strange for a woman to eat dinner alone in a restaurant, but it didn’t seem to matter.

Wearing my new (to me) sweater and sporting a fresh haircut, I figured tonight was as much a night as any to celebrate. It had been awhile since I’d taken myself “out on a date,” and the gift card I had received gave me the perfect opportunity to do so. I would not look at my phone tonight. Instead, I savored the environment – the mainstream, commercialized bistro I had learned to love from childhood – and drew comfort from its familiarity. I basked in gratefulness for the beauty of these moments, moments I hadn’t experienced in a long time.

I had lost sight of something. Of myself. I had forgotten how nice it felt to do something special – by myself. Here, now, I could be fully present, and present I was – well, at least until I realized I had almost finished my soup. It was so good I nearly forgot to enjoy it. The bisque tasted like the sea and like a warm hug all at once, and the cheesy, buttery biscuits melted in my mouth.

I thought about how I had no one to talk to there, but I didn’t mind. My soul was content to rest and reflect and simply be, without having to focus on conversation. Sometimes loneliness is a beautiful thing.

The waiter gave me a small bag to pack up the extra biscuits; I gave him an extra tip for his sweet demeanor. My spirit was overflowing with joy from being fully alive and fully myself. It really was a quick supper – I was in and out in under and hour – but my heart was full. And so was my belly.

Social Life After College

I’ve often reflected on humans’ basic need for community, and tried to brainstorm how I can best develop my own community of people around me.

I hear it’s easier to make friends in college than post-college because you’re going to class every day with people you have things in common with, be it age, major, etc. I can see truth in this. Personally, though, I felt pretty lonely in college because there were very few people I felt I could really connect with. Yes, several friendships I have today are ones I cultivated in college, but most of them are with people I didn’t even share classes with.

In the south where I live, the “thing” to do as an adult is join a small group or Bible study. I am definitely a fan of being active in one’s faith as well as finding like-minded people. Many times, however, a Bible study is not where one feels they can connect with people on their most personal level. I have experienced social relationships from work, game nights, or other contexts where I can reveal different sides of myself to different people. Not in the sense of being deceptive, but in the sense of being a human with multiple dimensions.

The challenge is finding a community of people where you can be your most authentic self. And that evolves over time, especially during big changes such as a job transition, moving to a different location, etc. It’s always frustrating to be in a transition time of any sort. Because transitions can coincide with a lack of depth. And lack of depth is isolating.

Dear Mentor

Dear Mentor,

I am hoping and praying for your presence in my life, and the sooner the better. Yes, I have plenty of mentor-like figures who have influenced my life, and yet I am desiring one to whom I can reveal myself more fully and openly on a regular basis. While I used to see a therapist, I eventually concluded that I did not want to pay money for someone to be my friend, to do life with me. I wanted to build a more personal relationship than that which is healthy in a therapist-patient connection.

I fear I may be too picky in the kind of person I want. I want God to give me a mentor, and yet I want it to be the kind of mentor I would like. Although I don’t know for sure exactly what I want, I have some ideas on what I don’t want, and I fear that might be just the thing God places in front of me.

I guess I want someone who will take the time to understand me and my background. Someone who has an understanding of and appreciation for mental and emotional health. I don’t want the vomiting of proverbs without the process of digesting them first, in order to make them concrete, applicable. Even the deepest wisdom is useless to the ears of one who does not understand the language.

I prefer someone who has a sense of humor, and doesn’t mind an occasional curse word here and there. Debate the morality of each if you wish, but I believe one must be genuine in order to experience growth. And sometimes being genuine entails exposing the crudeness and less reverent side of life.

I have begun every paragraph so far with the word I. I want to have a healthier view of myself and also of others. I possess a yearning for growth and for someone to help nurture me in my journey. And I need you, mentor, to challenge me while I challenge you, in hopes we can both become better versions of ourselves.

How I Define Success

That which is simply defined is often simply achieved, which is why I believe that for the definition of success to be encompassed in a single sentence would not be doing the word justice. At least, not to the satisfaction of the people who want to understand it.

If I were to define success as making lots of money – well, it’s simple to make lots of money. Now, if I defined success as obtaining lots of money by legal and ethical means as well as continuing to obtain money in such way, that becomes a little more complicated.

Success is a huge buzzword in the western world, especially now because people’s perception of its definition is changing drastically from what it used to be. I heard someone recently refer to success as “getting out of it what you put in.” I prefer to view success as the act of finding fulfillment by enriching one’s life as well as the lives of others.

There are many avenues by which mankind can find fulfillment. In my limited life experience, I have come to learn that there are various dimensions of wellness: physical, mental, spiritual, financial, to name a few. I believe the more we pursue wellness for ourselves, the more enrichment we find in life, therefore allowing us to pour that enrichment into other people.

Beware of trying to find fulfillment in one single, earthly source. If you believe fulfillment comes solely from a supernatural source – be it the universe, God, something greater than ourselves, etc. – cool. If, however, you look to a single finite element as your source, you will find yourself wanting. Money cannot buy love. A lover cannot provide unlimited happiness. Self-awareness does not equal self-improvement. Where one dimension of wellness suffers, they all suffer, which is why finding balance in life is important.

To me, being successful looks like becoming debt-free, finding an enjoyable-yet-sustainable source of income, developing more healthy relationships, replacing the sugar in my diet with more natural foods, maintaining an exercise routine through which I can achieve certain fitness goals, stimulating my emotional and intellectual growth, and deepening my faith.

In my mind, I have not yet “achieved success,” but I am on my way to becoming successful.

Why Chasing Your Dream Job Isn’t the Ultimate Goal

The lifestyle pastors of professional America will tell you to find a job that fulfills you. Find your passion. Don’t worry about the money. As long as you’re doing what you love, that’s what matters.

I don’t find that to be helpful advice. For those of us who don’t really have a passion, the subway of indecision carries us along with no convenient stops. Sure, we stare out the windows at the beautiful scenery and consider the possibilities of our various interests, but none of them seem quite right. We get bored in the brevity of our attention span while the thing we thought we loved so much loses its luster. Perhaps the problem lies not in the imperfections of an average job, but the imperfections in us.

If you choose a job based on whether it makes you feel happy, you may find yourself wandering aimlessly for the rest of your life. Granted, your ideal job is probably one in which you take pride, which embodies your values. And if you can find said job, that’s great. However, if you spend our whole life trying to find meaning in the work you get paid for, you will easily miss the meaning outside your profession.

If I depended on my jobs to give me meaning, I would lead a depressing life. But I find meaning outside my jobs: in taking care of my body through yoga, in building relationships with others, in reading and finding new things to learn. I find meaning in drinking in the golden sunlight, in delirious dancing during an all-nighter, in wrapping myself in blankets. In some ways, it doesn’t matter what I get paid to do because I find fulfillment in other ways.

Yes, there are such things as bad jobs. There are toxic environments and disrespectful people. It is important to find a healthy workplace, and to do something you deem worthwhile. But you don’t need to make your job an ultimate goal, because there is so much richness in life outside the workplace.

Why Spring Is My Favorite Season

Many people’s favorite season is autumn – that relief after the mid-year humidity, the release into a free flowing breeze carrying a hint of winter, yet with the fading warmth of the summer sun. For awhile, I thought autumn was my favorite season too. What’s not to like about comfy sweaters? Crunchy leaves? Apple cider and hayrides? But more recently, my spirit has begun to grow with a new perspective.

I still love fall. I love the balance between the warmth and the chill, the anticipation of Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Fall is my mom’s favorite season. And I think my growing need to become independent of her, to become my own person, has resulted in a need to detach from my love for autumn. Perhaps it’s silly, but it’s just something I need to do in this stage of life.

Maybe it’s because my birthday is in the spring, but nothing invigorates me like the smell of wet earth, the sight of plants pushing through soil to greet the new sun. With the promise of fresh warmth on the wind, life emerges everywhere. I trade puffy coats for sweatshirts as I greet the morning with blissful abandon, allowing the early rays to engulf my body and awaken my soul.

In the midst of these thoughts, I beckon you to join me in the joy of nature’s nourishment. Breathe deeply, and drink the delight of the world around you.

When Self Awareness Is Really Rumination

Many have complimented me for my self awareness, my ability to understand my personal growth challenges and identify my weaknesses. However, what many do not understand is that not all of my musings are a result of self awareness, but rather rumination.

Like a cow chewing its cud, I regurgitate my thoughts and turn them over and over in my head. Unlike a cow, I can never seem to fully digest them. They keep coming back up to haunt me. While I have done this for almost as long as I can remember, some periods of time are worse than others. My obsessing over various topics has kept me awake at night, trapped me in bed in the morning, and made me late or absent to scheduled engagements. Sometimes I can distract myself long enough to be productive; sometimes I can’t.

In trying to dig to the root of my struggle, I think I may have begun doing this as a self-soothing tactic to remedy my loneliness. I know that my thoughts are not logical, so instead of communicating them to others, I allow them full reign in my head. I don’t really think of it as anxiety as much as a means of comfort, much like a child sucking on her thumb.

I have tried to process these thoughts with people I am close to, but what I have discovered is I reason them away. I may acknowledge that they are illogical feelings, and almost apologize for them to the people I talk to. In recent reflection, I realized I still talk to my friends about the same thoughts and feelings I was having a year ago. The obsession is relentless.

So what do I do with all that? I have tried reasoning my feelings away, because I am a huge fan of being a person of reason, but there is no reasoning with feelings, no matter how convincing the argument. I think what I crave more than anything is for someone to enter into the worry with me, to cry with me before helping to bring me out of it. To help me realize that my feelings, however illogical, are valid.

Sacred and Sexy

When I think of the word sacred, my mind tends to shoot directly to those of religious status. Regardless of your spiritual beliefs, perhaps you would agree that those whom you see dressed in religious garb elicit a different response from you than that of your interactions with friends. I see a woman with her head covered or a man with a priest’s collar and I interact with them differently than I would with the average joe. Not in a discriminatory way, but such that I try to be respectful of their traditions, whatever they may be.

On the other hand, many religious organizations in Western culture have become much more casual in the last century, even in the last decade. When I was a little girl, I saw lots of people dressing up to go to church on Sundays. Now, churches encourage people to wear jeans and t-shirts, promoting a “come as you are” vibe.

Neither of these are necessarily bad. Because how one dresses is a very concrete idea, it seems convenient to draw on that example of how the idea of sacredness has changed in our culture. Of course one can receive and give and participate in sacred experiences regardless of what he or she is wearing. I am not trying to bash people based on their clothing choices.

What I am trying to say is that Western culture’s idea of sacredness has dramatically diminished. Men used to take off their hats in the presence of a woman. Women used to avoid revealing their knees in public. While I am glad dress codes have become much more relaxed, what does the word sacred even mean anymore?

I have thought about joining a nudist community because I love the human body, and I love my body. But at the same time, I believe the human body is sacred, so I hesitate to reveal my entire body to the general public.

I believe sex can be a sacred act in the sense that it is one of the most intimate expressions of love one can give another.

I believe health is sacred because it is as we are pursuing our own personal wellness that we can be the most giving and helpful to others.

I believe we can be sacred and sexy at the same time. I’m just not completely sure how yet.