Reflection: My Driving Force

I had a conversation recently with someone during which I was asked what motivates or drives me. I appreciated that question because it prompted me to pause and ponder what I truly value in life. It reminds me a little bit of Simon Sinek’s message to “find your why.”

What drives me . . . I think if I had to boil everything down to the most concentrated essence I like to think it’s love. For myself, for the world, for the Divine. I didn’t always used to feel that way, but as I’ve grown a a person, I’ve realized life is too precious and rich to spend it being angry or despondent. Not that those things are wrong, but I don’t need to be motivated by them. And life seems much fuller this way.

It’s easy for me to forget that connection with Divine love is my lifeline, but as long as I am tapping into those abundant stores of love, I will be okay.

Finding My Life Purpose: An Exercise

Seven years ago I came across Mark Manson‘s Life Purpose Guide, an 11-page article with step-by-step instructions on how to write out one’s goals and find direction in life. How I stumbled upon it I cannot remember, but in the summer of 2013 I found myself writing out the biggest bucket list I had ever attempted: ideas and thoughts of all the things I would love to do before I die. Anything from getting married to singing on Broadway went on the list, no matter how unrealistic, trivial, big or small.

I don’t remember if I actually followed Manson’s guide exactly to determine my purpose in life, but what the exercise did do was help me begin a journey of figuring out what I wanted to do, how I wanted to live.

Many successful speakers, researchers, and coaches advise people to write lists to help with productivity and accomplishing tasks. Since I love to journal, it wasn’t a far stretch for me to begin my own system of list-making. Now, besides regular to-do lists I write for cleaning the house or grocery shopping, I have a running bucket list of certifications I want to obtain, places I’d like to visit, or other goals I’d like to accomplish. And over the years, that exercise of list-keeping has helped me grow as I find my sense of direction, purpose, personhood.

At first the idea seemed almost selfish – focusing on what I want. But in a way, writing out everything I want helped to get myself out of the way. If I got myself out on paper, I wasn’t stuck in my head and I was able to focus on living my best life. I could see clearly what was realistic or not, and I didn’t have to feel ashamed of my thoughts. I was able to create a roadmap of what to pursue and how to get there. And in so doing, I could create the clarity I needed to free myself up so I could be of service to others as well.

Awhile back I created a post that listed what I would do on an ideal day. It was a very basic list, but it gave me a starting point to help define what I enjoy and what I value. And if I know what I value, I know how to live.

The Passion Conversation, Continued

I discovered a few years ago the idea of cultivating a passion instead of finding it. The article on the Minimalists website explaining this idea brought validation to the struggle I felt so strongly in college to find something I was passionate about so I could be like my peers. During one lecture in college the speaker even asked, “What are you willing to lose sleep over?” as an exercise to determine what we get excited – or passionate – about. But the silent answer I came up with was that I’m not willing to lose sleep over anything because sleep is important. It’s important to live a balanced, healthy life.

And so my journey of personal growth developed over the years. I still love sleep every bit as much as I did in college, and I become vexed if I can’t have my sleep. As I have explored in many of my previous posts, I have many interests and many things I love to learn about. However, I only love to explore them if I can do so in a healthy way.

As I’ve grown, I’ve realized I do indeed have passion within my being, just not a traditional, 21st-century type passion. My passion is not for a particular career or cause, but for life itself.

Living Without A Passion; A Yoga Practice

These are some thoughts I began to write a couple years ago. I have often felt insecure that I didn’t feel passionate toward a particular career or cause like many of my peers did. This is a snippet of my mental process.

Reflections from February 2018

I bow my head, palms together in a prayer-like position. Close my eyes; breathe. I do not feel a particular passion toward anything.

I reach my hands up to the sky – feel a gentle pull in my muscles as my body awakens. I do not have a dream job, only varied interests.

I touch my toes; my head pulled down by gravity. I accept what is. I have a bucket list of things I’d like to try, but more importantly I just want to be.

Weight shifts onto my hands as my feet shoot back to land in a plank. I am strong; I work hard. I pay my bills and reduce debt. I am learning to purge my possessions to live more simply.

Lower onto the belly. I enjoy cleanliness and wellness. I like simplicity and natural products. I diffuse essential oils and buy bamboo toothbrushes. Arch my back, feel the stretch in my throat. I enjoy animals and nature.

I raise my body up until I’m in an inverted “V” shape – my hands and feet on the ground with my hips toward the sky. I’ve often wondered if something was wrong with me because I don’t feel a passion toward a singular career. I just want to live a balanced life. I breathe in, breathe out. I let go of my insecurities.

I walk my feet up to my hands and slowly rise to standing again. I long for more in life, but I am also learning to become one with the present.

Lighting the Inner Fire

Every so often, my spirit goes through cycles – periods of light and shadow much like the passing seasons. 

Recently I found myself in a shadow. Disconnected from my sacred Essence, I felt lost and alone. A heaviness settled on my chest as I found myself stuck in an isolated darkness.

I do not have a formula for how to escape these shadows. For this particular storm, reading an inspiring book to remind myself of my inner flame was enough to rekindle the fire within. But still the heaviness remains. Some days feel lighter than others. I walk a sacred path and I recognize the value of my solitude. When I can, I connect with others to share a kindred flame, strengthening myself for when I am alone again.

My journey is one which no one else can walk for me, and that is hard. Keeping my soul fire lit is a lifelong learning process, although (simply enough) it is best fueled by love. Sometimes I forget that. But today I remember. Today I am connected to my soul fire, however faint the ember.

My Blog Anniversary 2020

In January of 2013, I began this blog as a sophomore in college. I was having trouble deciding what to major in, and I began writing as a way to help me figure out what to do, to help me figure out myself.

At first I wrote often – almost every week.  I wrote about things I enjoyed and things I wanted to learn more about. Things that confused me and things I longed for. I changed from declaring an undecided major to a bachelor of science in multimedia production, although I still didn’t know what I wanted to do with that. I chose a broad major in hopes by the time I graduated I would have it figured out, but graduation came and went and I still had no idea.

I continued to write, though less often. Writing was how I processed my thoughts, and in many ways it felt easier to write than it did to speak. I found that in the act of writing down what I’m thinking or struggling with, my process feels more complete. I don’t stumble over my words the way I do when I try to express myself verbally.

At the same time I wanted to maintain a healthy boundary on expressing vulnerability on the internet, so I kept hand-written journals and would save the less private thoughts for publishing online.

Throughout my journey I sought other ways of processing life: therapy, yoga, walking, and connecting with friends. Writing became just one of many tools, a supplement to help me create balance and to live more holistically.

These days I continue to write as a form of self-discipline. I’m still figuring out how to balance privacy without seeming sterile. If I do publish something online it’s usually with minimal details of events and people, and with a greater focus on reflections and emotional process. Countless times I’ve heard the advice “write what you know,” which often doesn’t leave me with much to write about other than myself. And so my journey continues.

Looking Back, Looking Forward; Reflections on Entering the New Year

As I write this, I am taking in the warmth of my surroundings: the flickering candles, the twinkling Christmas lights, my fuzzy slippers. Outside the patter of rain makes me grateful to have a place where I can be warm and dry. I reflect.

I didn’t technically announce it on my blog, but I announced on other social media platforms that I officially became debt-free in September of 2018.

This past year I became certified as a yoga instructor with an emphasis in trauma-sensitive yoga (hence the trauma books I mentioned in my last post.) I was able to travel to Illinois and also to Ohio to attend yoga immersions to complete my certification.

I’ve had more personal, less public elements I’ve grown through over the past couple years, and I’m proud of how far I’ve come. This coming year I shall continue to grow, read more books, learn new things.

I am strong, resilient, supported. I have faithful friends for whom I am immensely grateful. And I am grateful for you, my readers, for joining me on my journey. May your new year be full of peace.

My Debt Free Dance!

Why Wholesome Reading Is Essential to Wellness

Some reflections on the importance and benefits of reading books:

It facilitates a spirit of humility
Picking up a book to read with an open mind says, “I have something to learn from this.” Whether it be light-hearted fiction or dense philosophy, I am broadening my horizons by inviting someone else’s perspective into my consciousness.

It creates a more well-rounded perspective of the world
Reading works written by others helps me see the world in a new light. It takes me out of my bubble and helps me connect with others in ways I wouldn’t have otherwise. Because of this, it helps me to understand why others think differently than I do, and it takes me outside of my own worldview to discover that there are many ways of looking at the world.

It keeps the brain young
The development of any skill takes practice, and critical thinking is no exception. The more I exercise my brain through reading, the better and longer it continues to function even as I age. To say I have already learned all I can from life would be closing the door to growth and enrichment.

That said, here are a few books I have read this year:

The Body Keeps the Score – Bessel Van Der Kolk

Brilliant read, though a little overwhelming due to memories of trauma in my own life it brings up. Van der Kolk is one of the leading researchers who has helped make psychology what it is today, and reading about his work is fascinating.

Trauma-Sensitive Yoga in Therapy – David Emerson

Easy to understand approach to addressing complex trauma and its effects on the body. A quick read but very helpful for both self body awareness as well as helping others with their body awareness.

Honoring the Body – Stephanie Paulsell

A beautiful read that gives a spiritual perspective of the human body.

I also have to say I’m a fan of the GoodReads app, which helps me keep track of books I’ve read and books I want to read – you should check it out! Happy reading 🙂

A Quiet Reunion

Like a ghost, you concealed yourself in the dark corners of my mind.

Hidden in the shadows nearly forgotten until recently you emerged again, filling the absence of another. 

I have made peace with you; I am not afraid. You have been a constant companion to me these years and I have come to value your presence. You have connected me with a deep part of myself, given me access to a new dimension filled with wonders. You are a painful presence, but I do not resent you. You are a gift given to me to teach me hard lessons, to be my guide. I welcome you, my old friend: Loneliness.

Comparing Classical and Celtic Harps

Countless people have asked me about the instrument I play – how it works, how big it is, what the little switches are at the top. So I thought I’d write a post to answer some of the common questions I receive.

In the US, there are two main types of harps people play: the classical harp (or pedal harp) and the Celtic harp (also called the lever harp or folk harp). There are many kinds of harps, but those are the two most common categories.

The classical/pedal harp is a harp used in orchestras. It tends to be big and loud, and is characterized by the foot pedals it has at the bottom. The Celtic harp, or lever harp, is usually smaller and does not have foot pedals. Instead, it has little levers at the top of each string. Pedals and levers both have the same purpose: to change the pitches of the strings.

Each string produces a certain pitch depending on the tension of the string. Just like a rubber band changes pitch the more/less you stretch it, so harp strings change pitch if you use pedals or levers to change the strings’ tension.

Quick summary: the levers and pedals on Celtic and classical harps are there to change the tension/pitches of the strings.

Here I will elaborate a little more on the differences between levers and pedals. In music, each note is named with a letter (A, B, C, D, E, F, G). If a note has a sharp (#) or a flat (b) next to it, that implies a pitch that is halfway between two letters. So instead of saying F 1/2, you say F-sharp (F#). The levers and pedals are what allows the harpist to have those in-between pitches. On a classical harp, a simple press of a pedal will change every F to an F-sharp. On a Celtic harp, there is one lever per string, so that means the harpist has to flip the lever on each F string to change it to F-sharp.

The simple pedal mechanisms on a classical harp make it easier to play more complicated classical music. The more complicated levers on a Celtic harp tend to encourage the playing of simpler, more folk-type songs.

I have yet to learn how to play a classical harp, although I probably should someday. But right now I’m quite content playing my little Celtic harp.