Brain Dumps

I used to write these things called brain dumps. That’s what I called them, anyway (I stole the term from one of my English professors). It started one night when I couldn’t sleep because I had a lot on my mind, so I opened a document on my computer and wrote out what I was thinking. I didn’t try to format it perfectly with proper grammar and punctuation; I just wrote. It certainly helped to ease my mind, so I started doing it more. My writing didn’t always make sense, but it didn’t have to.

A lot has happened at school over the past couple months, and I’ve found this semester to be pretty emotionally rough. You would think the more stressed I got the more I would write, but it turned out to be the opposite. I found myself writing less, and it got to the point that I felt so worn out that I couldn’t write at all anymore.

I generally detest talking about feelings and tend to keep to myself, but I find that my emotions show through my writing. The more I write the more I reveal about myself, and that’s a scary thing for me. My brain dumps aren’t meant to be read by other people, but by writing what’s on my mind I’m almost experiencing my thoughts twice because I actually have to admit to myself that I’m upset or confused in order to write about being upset or confused.

A friend of mine makes YouTube videos. That’s her thing, just as this blog is my thing, so we’re trying to keep each other accountable to be consistent in creating. She agreed to post a video if I created a brain dump and/or blog post tonight. So here’s my blog post. I’m going to attempt to start writing brain dumps again, as well as start blogging again. Because writing is important to me. I don’t really care if other people read it or not, but it’s just something that I need to do.

And by the way my friend is a pretty cool person, so you can check out her YouTube channel here: Molly Bahre – YouTube Thank you, my friend.

Highlights and Laughable Goals

Recently I read a book entitled Digital Leader by Erik Qualman – a very helpful book with advice on how to make a positive “digital footprint,” but also advice on how to become more organized and successful, both in business and in personal life. One thing that stood out to me in this book was a method of helping to discover one’s passion: each day write down something that was positive about that day, and write why it was positive. A highlight. Then look back over the highlights after a week or two and try to identify common positive elements, which eventually can help lead to discovering a passion. So I decided to take that idea and make it my own.

Many evenings I have written in my journal something I liked about each day. I haven’t been faithful in writing every day, but I write regularly enough so that writing down a highlight has become almost a habit for me over the past couple months. I recently decided to finally look over a few highlights over January and February, and I noticed several interesting things based on patterns I saw.

1) Sometimes the highlights of my day are those involving technology, particularly video making. I enjoy being in video projects, filming videos, editing them.

2) I enjoy activities that involve some sort of community: a movie night, a housewarming party, a dance. Generally I prefer smaller groups of people because to me it is more intimate and less overwhelming.

3) I also enjoy being alone. Every once in awhile I like to have an empty evening to relax and maybe watch a movie. By myself.

4) Many times the highlight of my day has been a rehearsal for Les Mis. I am assistant stage managing for this production being put on by the musical theater department at my school, and I love the rehearsals. Perhaps some of my favorite parts of the rehearsals have been when I was able to sit and watch the actors (although now I’m getting busier with backstage duties). I’m fascinated as I observe the decisions each actor makes to best portray his/her character, and I love observing how they walk, talk, and carry themselves onstage. I have learned so much just by observing, and I am eager to learn more. And the singing. Oh, if you could only hear them sing.

I still want to keep writing my highlights of the day, because eventually Les Mis will be over. But I like how this exercise has helped me to learn things about myself.

One other piece of advice that stood out to me in Digital Leader was to make some laughable goals. I’ve heard similar advice from various sources. If people don’t laugh at the goals you make, you’re not making them big enough. I want to work on some small, realistic goals, but I also have one very specific goal that up until recently I was too chicken to admit to myself that it could even be a goal. It was more of a distant dream, but I now want to work toward it. Right now I’m too terrified to admit it to the internet because of how ambitious it is. But maybe someday I’ll share it. Or should I say, maybe someday you’ll know what it is because you’ll have seen me accomplish it.

I’ll end with one recent entry from my journal:

Almost a 12 hr. rehearsal for Les Mis today. And so begins tech week. But one of my favorite times was when I could sit and listen to the singing. They have such beautiful voices and sing with so much expression. I want to learn to sing like that.

Indecisiveness

Well, it’s official. I am no longer an undecided major. I have declared Multimedia Production as my major.

When I announced the news to my roommates (and after they congratulated me), one of them asked, “Do you feel like this is finally where you’re meant to be?”

“No,” I said. We all laughed.

The truth is, I still don’t know what I want to do, and that’s why I chose a major that’s broad and encompasses different branches of media (video, photography, web design). I would love to go into filmmaking, but I can’t decide what part of it I would want to do. I love working the cameras, but I also like deciding what shots to call. I love editing. I like special effects and am fascinated with green screens. At the same time I’d almost rather be in front of the camera. When I watch movies, I love observing the actors and wondering what the rehearsals were like and the steps they took to develop their characters.

Speaking of actors, I love live theater. Especially musical theater. What I would give to be able to act and sing like the people I see on Broadway as well as other stages. And that leads me to music. I want to learn how to play the cello. I think it’d be cool to learn the drums. I want to become a better pianist. I enjoy playing the harp for people and get excited when I schedule gigs.

There are so many other things that I want to do. I won’t take the time to list them all, but hopefully that gives you an idea of why I can be so indecisive. There are just so many things I want to do. The nice thing about college is that I can take various classes and try new things. But eventually I have to focus on one path, because taking a bunch of random classes won’t get me a bachelor’s degree.

I’m writing this not to complain, but to try to sort out my thoughts as well as express frustrations that go through my head on a daily basis. Many of the things I want to try out are very possible. I can take voice lessons, I can take film classes, I can make my own videos for YouTube if I wanted to.

I can see people who are so passionate about what they’re doing that they will give anything and everything to be able to accomplish their ambitions. What frustrates me is that I can’t find a passion for much of anything. There are loads of possibilities; there are many things I enjoy, but I haven’t yet found something that I’m willing to fight for. Maybe I would find it if I just committed to something. Maybe I’ll find it in my new major. Right now I just committed to it because it seemed to be the logical thing to do.

Things to Learn: Rock Climbing

A couple years ago I remember having a bad day, but thinking, “Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can get back up.” It was something my mom used to say, and for whatever reason that saying came to mind on that particular day.

I pictured what a literal rock bottom might look like. A canyon. Darkness. Light above. A cold, hard ground. That’s when I decided that I wanted to write a story about a canyon and having to hit rock bottom. I called my story the Canyon of Life, and I would post a rough draft of each chapter on a blog. I wrote about how life was a canyon, and how we strive to climb to the top. It was a great idea until I realized that I don’t know a thing about rock climbing.

I went to a rock wall once in high school and I loved it. I wanted to climb more, but it didn’t work out.

That is, not until I got to college.

My school has a rock wall with great people there to help me learn. A few weeks ago I joined the rock climbing club called B-ROC. Since then I’ve only been to the wall once, but I’m so excited to go back. At first I was scared to join the club because I have next to no experience climbing, and I’m not very strong. However, I realized that there are people of all experience levels in the club, and that it’s okay to be a beginner.

I don’t know if I’ll get around to finishing that rock climbing story or not. I’m just glad that I discovered something new that I enjoy.

Did You Feel That?

Performances light a flame in my soul that I don’t know how to explain in words. You just have to go through the experience to understand what I mean. I haven’t been able to understand why I come close to tears when watching or listening to a performance (musical or theatrical), and it frustrates me when I don’t get the sense that others are feeling what I’m feeling. The adrenaline rush in the midst of a chase, the heartbreak of death, the agony of loneliness, the warmth of a caress.

When I experience a performance, I feel a deep emotional connection to it. But I don’t want to just feel connected to it, I want to be part of it. To help others feel how I feel. It’s not enough for me to turn to the person next to me, grab their shoulders, and exclaim, “Did you feel that? Did it break your heart like it did mine? Didn’t you want to die with them, get married with them, run with them, breathe with them?” Because I can’t make a person feel something. They have to do that on their own. The best I can do is convey that feeling to them.

When I was younger, I had the privilege of singing in a children’s choir that performed in Philadelphia. We once performed a cantata entitled “The Long Bright,” along with a full orchestra and some amazing adult soloists. Provided the link works, I’ll let this website explain the story:
The Long Bright | Schola Cantorum on Hudson

Of course, reading about it and listening to recordings is not nearly the same as being there in the moment. I tend to think I got more out of it as a performer than the audience members did, because I was part of the family that understood the hard work that made that performance possible. But it’s not just about the family. I remember approaching the end of the piece and thinking, “This is it. It’s nearing the end. I’m not going to be able to experience this again.” I savored those last moments, and as the final melodies floated away I could see Anni in my mind, flying to heaven on those last notes. I hope the listeners saw the same thing, but I also think it was a secret that the performers and the writers shared, and could only be told in part to the audience.

This video pretty much sums up my thoughts on communicating through performing for others:

First Draft Post

Readers may or may not have noticed that I did not post this past Friday. I’m not going to list a bunch of excuses, although I will say that sometimes it’s easy for me to get caught up in perfectionism. I have multiple drafts waiting to be published, but I can’t seem to get them quite right. I need to make the decision of whether I want quality or quantity.

But hey, why can’t I have both?

Both isn’t always going to happen. Sometimes I’ll be in a hurry. Like right now. I have to head to class in a few minutes, but keeping a regular blog is important to me, because it helps me to keep track of myself. I want to write about things that make me happy, things that maybe don’t make me happy, memories, aspirations, etc. My hope is that by writing out my thoughts I will be better able to sort out my goals and have a better sense of direction in my life.

I also think that blogging will help me become a better writer, even if I don’t spend hours trying to get each post just right. And so today I’m going to do something that maybe a “good” writer isn’t supposed to: I’m posting this as a rough draft. A quick glance to correct any grammar or technical issues, but then I’m posting it without spending too much time on it. Because today I need to get take care of other tasks as well.

Bazinga!

Things I Love: Coffee Shops

I was in a certain coffee shop last week, and I was thinking about how I love coffee shops. I knew I wanted to write a blog post about it, but I didn’t have my computer with me. All I had was some scrap paper in my purse, and so on that piece of paper I wrote the following thoughts:

If I had a journal or a computer with me here, I am almost certain I would write. But what I’d write I have no idea. There’s just something about this place that could inspire the least artistic person to feel artsy. I don’t know if it’s the creamy tan walls, though empty now, that are normally filled with the most interesting paintings by unknown artists, that inspire people; or maybe it’s the uniqueness of the tables, one decorated with pictures of doors, and on the side of which is written, “The doors are always open,” another adorned with a black bikini under glass. The only question is, what does this place inspire?

I’m sure I would feel inspired, but maybe only to do nothing but sit and enjoy the playful music in the background speakers and listen to the baristas call out orders while couples sit and talk about their everyday lives as if that was all that mattered. Kind of romantic, somewhat stereotypical, but lovely in the simplicity of small things. I don’t know if this is the place I want to leave so I can live my life, or the place I want to come to escape it.

The Meadow

Once upon a time I would make up stories based on stories I didn’t know. If I was in the mall and I saw a pretty girl, I pretended that we were friends, even if we didn’t so much as make eye contact. If I heard a song and could only remember one line of it, I would make up the rest. If I saw part of a movie trailer but not the movie, I would build a scene around what I had seen in the trailer.

One such trailer I had seen as a child was “Fairytale: A True Story,” and I think it is based off of that trailer that I dreamed up a place that only existed where colored pencils touched paper. My drawings of that land of hope and peace and dreams are still etched clearly in my mind, to the extent I could probably recreate the meadow on paper now if I tried.

I don’t think I ever saw the fairy movie, but there were certain images in that trailer that contributed to how I drew that secret place. I don’t think my drawings were just images I had seen in the trailer though. I had taken the idea and made it my own. But part of me still thinks that maybe it was a dream I had, although whether it be a night dream or a day dream I am uncertain. Maybe it was both.

I told my friend about the wonderful meadow, and the two of us plotted to search for it and find it. The more time passed the more I began to realize that maybe the place didn’t exist, but my friend still seemed convinced that we could find it someday. I didn’t see how that was possible. The only meadows and woods I could find were the ones passing by the car windows, and they were almost always near a highway or houses. The world was very small to me at that time, and so it was hard for me to imagine what the world looked like outside of the few places I had been. Maybe that meadow was what heaven looked like.

More time passed. My friend and I moved away from each other, and we have since grown apart. I wonder if she remembers the special meadow. She may think it a trivial thing now. Maybe I do too. But the child inside me still believes that it could exist somewhere, even if it’s in a different world.

Here’s to Old Shows!

Heroes in a half shell. Turtle Power!

I was watching some old theme songs today on YouTube, and they brought back so many memories. The top two I’ve been listening to multiple times I would have to say are Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I would love to go driving and blast those theme songs at full volume with the windows rolled down. Old kids’ shows were awesome. They just were.

I listened to several Power Rangers themes and saw how they had evolved over the years; some of the shows I had seen, but a lot of the more recent ones I hadn’t. Nothing can beat the original, although I must say I really do like the Lost Galaxy theme song. Did anyone else watch the Lost Galaxy movie as a kid and want to cry when Magna Defender died? I hated that part. And yet I watched the movie multiple times. Maybe a better movie was the one with Ivan Ooze, because that actually had a happy ending. I remember liking the Power Rangers Turbo movie as well. The Lightspeed Rescue series wasn’t too bad, especially with the Ryan’s cobra tattoo. And I liked Wild Force because I really liked how it incorporated nature. But ultimately nothing can compare to the original series, if for no other reason at least because of that guitar solo in the beginning of each show.

Ninja Turtles of course was awesome too. I don’t remember very much of the cartoon series, but I remember loving the movies made of them in the 90s. The hilarious Mikey, moody Raph, serious Leo and nerdy Donny. And their undying love for pizza. Not to mention watching them fight and knock down the bad guys. Maybe they’re part of the reason I want to learn martial arts? Seeing them and Karate Kid. I don’t know.

There are so many more shows I could talk about, but for now it’s those two that are sticking in my mind. They have really strong ties to my childhood. And they’re fun. Kowabunga!

My Thoughts Today: Singing

I was having a few thoughts. And when I have a few thoughts, I like to write them down to try to sort them out. And the sort of thoughts I was having today involve what things I enjoy. I was contemplating my desire to sing. I want to sing because I want to sing for people on a stage. I want to sing for people on a stage because I have been moved so deeply by people who sing on a stage, and I want to move people in the same way.

The next idea in my thought process is that I don’t know if I really like to sing. I don’t like to practice at all. Perhaps if I were alone more often I would enjoy singing by myself more. But I would just as happily play the harp or read a book or edit a video instead. I must admit, though, that when I hear music I feel the need to hum along, and I can’t resist making up a harmony. I love doing that, even if people around me don’t love me doing that. But it’s fun.

My next thought is that when I first started playing the harp I didn’t enjoy it very much either. I hated practicing that as well, and I couldn’t see much of a future in it. I was, however, a very young child at the time, and could not perceive where my playing would take me. I am thinking that perhaps I am still a young child in my singing journey, because while I do not enjoy practicing the exercises, something useful may come of it later, even if I can’t imagine what.