Levine and the Perfect Woman

Recently I’ve been listening to Maroon 5 a lot. Why, I’m not sure. I guess I’m just going through a phase where I really like the pop-y textures of the songs, as well as the heartfelt yearnings of the lyrics.

That being said, one thing that has stood out to me was the theme of female beauty and “perfection” in Maroon 5’s songs. In the second verse of “Daylight,” for example, Adam Levine sings, “Here I am staring/at your perfection in my arms/so beautiful.” Or in “Beautiful Goodbye,” he sings “I can’t take it; you’re even perfect when you cry.” What exactly does he mean by this perfection?

At a glance, it would seem that a woman’s perfection is defined by her physical beauty. But I think a closer look may reveal a deeper meaning. In the context of each of these songs, the main character (in this case, Levine), is expressing a longing to stay with his lover even though he knows he must say goodbye. I think it is at the base of this longing that we find his affection for and attraction to his lover. This “perfection” that he attributes to her is an expression of his love.

At first, it bothered me that the use of the word “perfect” appeared in a context of describing her physically. I personally do not want my physical beauty to be the only thing that draws a man to me. But in defense of the songwriter(s), I do not think that is what the main character is saying. I think it is only natural for someone who is in a relationship to think that his lover is the prettiest, the funniest, the smartest, or whatever other characteristics that person may value.

Of course, the other, less-analytical side of me says, “Dude, just shut up and enjoy the song. You’re over-thinking it.” Perhaps I am over-thinking it. But I over-think a lot of things. That’s what helps me to understand and appreciate the world better. Thanks for reading.

How Does One Make Friends?

Recently I’ve been reading a book that talks about relationships, and one thing that stood out to me was the observation of how relationships (of any sort) are made. The person who tries to make friends for the sake of having friends will likely have trouble building those relationships. If, on the other hand, one makes friends through mutual interests, then the relationship can develop.

This is why people become friends with those they take classes with, or work with, or are in a club with. They are people uniting for a cause. The relationship between two given people develops not when they are focusing solely on each other, but rather focusing on a mutual passion or interest, something outside themselves.

This is not to say that you can’t focus at all on the other person. It can be good to just take time to talk with someone. But what do you talk about? Often conversations between friends will gravitate toward topics that interest both parties.

I am not saying that the only way to make friends is to join a club. But this was an aspect of friendship that the book I’m reading pointed out in a way I hadn’t thought about before. Perhaps one reason I’ve had trouble making friends is that I try too hard to be likable to everyone. I don’t want to have opinions so strong that I drive those of a different mindset away. But if I don’t identify with anything, then no one will want to identify with me.

However, I have also experienced a different challenge: I may become friendly with people I take a class with, but as soon as the class is over, the relationships are over. We no longer have that common purpose to bring us together, and so we go our separate ways. I suppose the marks of a deep, lasting friendship are not based on what brings people together, but rather what keeps them together.

What is it, then, that keeps people together? In my experience, what draws me to a person may be a common interest (“You like such and such? Me too!”), but what keeps me drawn to the person is a change of focus from the interest to the person behind the interest. It could be that we have a myriad of common traits, or hardly any at all. Sometimes what draws me to a person is not how we’re similar, but how we’re different.

Shared interests then grow into shared experiences, which in turn creates shared feelings, resulting in a shared connection. How deep that connection reaches may be an indicator of how long the relationship lasts. Often the more personal the experience (whether good or bad), the deeper the connection.

These are my thoughts on the development of relationships (of any kind). Perhaps with this sorting out of my thoughts I am better able to understand how to connect with people and ultimately, better understand myself.

Frustrations With the Modern Woman

There was a time when men took off their hats in the presence of a woman, opened the door for her, and threw their coats over puddles so she wouldn’t have to walk through the mud. Too often today I hear women talk about such acts of chivalry and conclude that there aren’t any good men left in the world, or if there are, they are very hard to find. With the ever-changing times, something has happened that has made men less caring and more disrespectful of women. I’ll tell you what happened.

Women’s rights.

Now before all the feminists get angry at me (although maybe they already are), let me say this: I am very thankful to be living in an era in which I have the right to vote, the opportunity to pursue a higher education, and the option to create my own career if I so choose. Benefits such as these were not (easily) accessible to women before the women’s rights movement. It is adjustments such as these that have changed not only how people view women, but have also changed women themselves.

Before the women’s rights movement, it was commonly accepted that a woman’s place was in the home, and a man’s place was out working. Whether you agree with that structure or not, it was a system in which people knew what to expect, because they knew their place in society. I believe that it was because people knew their place that allowed them to respect each other more, because each knew where he belonged.

However, the women’s rights movement has challenged that structure, and has left us with many changes in society. A woman may choose to stay at home, or she may choose to go out and work. In my opinion, she should be able to do either. My frustration is that we are women living in 2013 expecting to find men of 1913. And that is just not possible.

The women’s rights movement did not just affect women; it affected men as well. Now that the original structure has been broken down, I think it leaves people confused with how to interact with each other. Each gender does not have as definite a role as they once did, and that can lead to many misunderstandings.

I believe that every person deserves respect. But sometimes I think women have been so eager to gain respect that they’ve forgotten how to give respect, and we have allowed men to forget how to respect themselves. (I’m not saying that men’s negative traits today are all women’s fault; there are plenty of things I could say about men, but for the sake of this essay I will leave that for a different post)

What I am saying is that I think too many women bash men unnecessarily, and that needs to stop. Yes, some men are capable of being complete jerks, but some women are just as capable of the same thing. And if you’re a woman who doesn’t like a man opening the door for you in the rare occasion he does, there is such a thing as politely telling him you would prefer to open the door yourself instead of getting angry because you think he thinks you’re weak. Chances are he was just trying to be respectful and maybe even show you that he thinks you’re valuable.

Why I Don’t Have A Best Friend

When I was a little, one of my friends told me, “I have friends, and I have best friends. You are in my best friends group.”

In a later conversation with my mom, we talked about the meaning of friendship. Those days people were lumping everybody into the category of “friend,” even if they weren’t close with those people. People would call others “friends” who were really acquaintances or people they may be friendly with, and they would call their true friends their “best friends.”

Since I was home schooled, I was lucky to form any relationship I could with people my age. I valued anybody I came into contact with. There was really no point to categorizing people I knew into “friends” and “best friends” when really I meant “acquaintances” and “friends.” So I decided that I didn’t want to have, nor did I want to be a “best friend,” I wanted a true friend.

I guess a true friend is much like what people call a best friend. I view a true friend as being someone who is there for you when you need her, willing to help you out when you’re in trouble, and wanting to spend time with you just because.

Now that I’m in college, I still don’t consider myself as having a “best friend.” A best friend to me sounds exclusive, like you can only have a certain number of best friends. But I do have true friends. Sure, I use the word “friend” lightly at times, perhaps if I am referring to people I am friendly with, or people who could be potential true friends if my relationship with them were to grow. But my true friends are the people I know I can count on.

It’s my goal to not only have true friends, but I also want to be a true friend. I am not perfect, but if you are my friend, I want to be there for you if you need me. Sometimes scheduling in the midst of college can be tough, but I will make a way to be there. I can listen if you need to talk. And I’ll do what I can to help if you need help. If you don’t need help, let’s just hang out and eat food sometime, but please excuse my sarcastic sense of humor. That comes with my friendship.

Loving Lonely

Do you feel lonely? Many people at some point in their lives will or have said yes.

There are a multitude of reasons for feeling lonely. People blame social media, or technology in general. But maybe you just struggle to connect with people, regardless of your use of the internet.

Maybe you’re lonely for a significant other. Maybe you’re lonely because you want to feel close to someone. Anyone. But you can’t.

But you know what? That’s okay. Loneliness hurts. And it’s okay to hurt. Because hurting is part of what makes us human.

How to stop feeling lonely? I honestly don’t know. Every person is different, so each requires a different solution. Part of what brings happiness is what we give to others. If I can make someone smile today, even just one person, if I can make a difference in one person’s life, then that is what’s important.

Maybe you help others, and you try your best and you’re still lonely. Maybe your self-esteem is fine. Maybe you try to connect with people but something still is missing.

I don’t have the answer to what’s missing. I don’t know how to cure loneliness – I’m lonely too. But maybe the first step is to accept it so that you can move on. When you learn to love yourself, maybe you can learn to love lonely too.

I think Tanya Davis does a great job of summing it up:

When It’s Legit

Sometimes I wish that honeymoon stage of relationships didn’t exist. Sure, it’s cute, it’s fun, it’s an emotional high, with all the hand-holding, cuddling, kissing. But I sometimes wish that stage wasn’t there because too many people mistake that for true love. And when that stage passes, the love must be gone too.

They’re wrong.

Legit love doesn’t set in until the newness wears off. Because it’s that love that gets you through every one of those stupid arguments when you lose your temper. It’s that love that gets you through grieving the death of a friend. Love can be messy, complicated, and downright unattractive at times. But that’s what makes it what it is.

A pastor I once knew said this: “You can fall in love, you can fall out of love; but true love is a walk, not a fall.”

Why I’m “Quiet”

Confession: Sometimes I feel too lazy to talk. It’s a waste of tongue-muscle. I think of things that could contribute to the conversation, but I don’t always say them. If I don’t talk in a conversation, it’s not because I’m angry, shy, or trying to be flirty. Sometimes I just prefer to not talk. I just like to spend time with a person.

I have one friend whom I’ve spent a bit of time with this summer, and when we get together sometimes we just like to sit in silence, listening to the birds singing. When we do talk it’s normally about something substantial, like relationships (of any kind), growing up, or life in general. That’s another thing about me. I’ll make small talk, but I don’t really like it.

When I’m in a group of people I try to let other people talk. In fact, if the group is big enough so that more than one conversation is happening at one time, I feel overwhelmed, so that’s when I can get really quiet. I feel like my brain is being overloaded with information and it’s hard to keep up. So sometimes it may look like I’m bored or I might not have anything to contribute, when really I feel like I’m shutting down from trying so hard to take everything in.

If I don’t talk to you it’s not because I don’t want to spend time with you. It’s more likely that I want to give you space because I would hate to bother you. If you want to talk to me then I’ll listen. I may not have much to say, so you’ll have to forgive me. But I can still be there for you.

Mom…

She gave me hugs when I was little. She kissed my boo-boos, and rocked me back and forth in her lap when I was sad.

Moms are awesome. A mom will cook dinner, wash the dishes, and clean the laundry. She can give you advice when you’re confused, or take you out for ice cream just because.

Mom will piss you off. You need to wash the dishes a certain way or they’re not clean. And you better be home by curfew or she’ll be up waiting for you. She has rules – common sense rules, picky rules, annoying rules.

Mom is emotional – she’s a woman, why wouldn’t she be! She’ll yell if your room isn’t clean, and she’ll cry if the toilet is broken. Just because her dinners are amazing doesn’t mean her mood always will be.

Mom is insecure. She won’t say that, but she is. She desperately wants her children to be safe and happy, and is afraid of failing to provide that safety and happiness for her children. She’ll forget to take care of herself because her first thought is to take care of her family.

Maybe you woke up one morning and she wasn’t there. Maybe she never was. Maybe she’s there and you wish she wasn’t. But any woman who pushed an entire human being out from between her legs is a woman worthy of respect.

Tell her she’s beautiful. Make her proud.