Dear Future Me

I have a confession to make. With several acquaintances knowing me as the “sexually frustrated one,” I have to admit that I get really jealous of people my age and younger who are getting married. Don’t get me wrong; I love them and I’m glad that they found a spouse. But in a culture where it’s common to get married before you’re legally allowed to rent a car, sometimes I wonder if something’s wrong with me.

I let my thoughts run away with me sometimes. I see the beautiful brides and I think, “Why can’t I be in their position now? What do they have that I don’t?”

I can cook, bake, and clean, and I am learning to live within my means. I can sew, weave baskets, spin yarn, play the harp, and countless other things. More importantly, I have been working to better myself by exploring the depths of my emotional weaknesses and learning how to strengthen them. I am very self-aware, and I am perceptive of other’s emotions. I’ve spent hours journaling on why I get so emotional and how to remedy that. I am not perfect, but I’m doing the best I can to become a better person.

Ultimately I know that another person can never satisfy all my needs. First and foremost, I need to learn how to take care of myself, because that’s what being a healthy adult in 21st-century America entails. If I were to seek a romantic relationship now, perhaps it would stunt my growth. But that doesn’t make my loneliness any less frustrating.

So to my future self, I’m sorry that I’m not mature enough right now to relieve that loneliness. But I can’t be sorry for taking care of myself.

Chronic Guilt

Of the many difficulties women tend to face, one that I particularly wrestle with daily is guilt. To quote a woman I once knew, “I came out of the womb apologizing.” Different women may struggle with this to different degrees, and some may not encounter it at all, but it is a very real thing, regardless if it all seems to be just in your head.

Regardless of how many times we tell ourselves that we don’t have anything to feel guilty about, that nagging feeling that we’re doing something wrong never fails to wheedle its way into our subconscious, contaminating even the most innocent of intentions. If I say such and such, it might come across wrong. But if I don’t say it, I’ll be wishing I did. Just recently, I was talking with a friend of mine about this, and we were surprised to discover that we both feel guilty spending money. Buying food is perfectly logical and necessary, but saving money is essential. Buying clothes that fit well is important, but we can survive without – no use wasting money. The problem with this mindset is that money in and of itself isn’t really worth anything, but is rather a tool that we can use to help us obtain what we need to survive, and perhaps even splurge on an occasional treat if circumstances allow.

No matter how many times I hear the saying, “Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish, it’s an investment,” I still think that I am inconveniencing someone just by existing. So to all the women (and men), who battle with this, I want to tell you that you’re not alone. Let’s be friends, and then we’ll feel guilty together.

Tricky Transitions

Some of my readers may know that I started this blog a couple years ago when I was trying to figure out what to declare as my college major. Because writing helps me to sort out my thoughts, I was hoping that blogging would help me better understand my areas of interest and therefore better understand myself. While I eventually did declare a major that I ended up graduating with, I find myself in a familiar place of not knowing what I want to do with my life.

The time right after graduation was challenging. I was starting a new job, getting ready to move, and trying to figure out what friends were in the area and available to spend time with. Meanwhile, the need for a consistent budget haunted me day and night, as I was an emerging adult who was quickly becoming fully responsible for supporting herself. I would feel lonely, but then feel guilty because my circumstances were pretty decent, and I wasn’t suffering from a huge crisis. I say these things in past tense, but really I am still working through each element as I learn how to act grown up like so many before me.

Other young people I have talked to empathize with me as they remember how difficult their time of transition out of school/into independent adulthood was. It is comforting and validating to know that I am not alone in my struggles, but I wish there was more concrete advice to be given for those who find themselves in similar situations. As frustrating as it can be, however, there is no set formula for how to survive outside of school. Yes, community, budgeting, and hobbies are all worthy goals to pursue, but what do you do when you are pursuing those things and you still feel lonely and disinterested? The most common thing that I seem to hear is to just keep on keepin’ on. I guess that’s really all I can do, regardless of how fruitless the journey seems at the moment. I will figure it out eventually, but it is frustrating how the seemingly pettiest of challenges are often the trickiest to maneuver.

One Degree to Rule Them All

Summer 2013

I am neither a bachelor nor a scientist, but eventually I will be considered both, provided that I choose a path of study.

It’s tough for me to choose.

I enjoy a variety of activities. I don’t think I could stay sane if every day were exactly the same as the one before. Sometimes, however, it’s easy to get stuck in the mindset that I’m supposed to go to college to to get one degree and then get one job for the rest of my life. Yuck! (I know that’s not true, of course)

Don’t get me wrong. I love college. What I don’t love is that you can only choose one or two majors at a time, unless of course you intend to stay there for more than four years. If you plan to be in school for more than four years that’s awesome. Maybe I’ll end up doing that. I just wish sometimes that I could major in five different things at once. I would love to be half film major, half music major, half theater major, half physics/astronomy major, half wine-making major, and while I’m at it, half math major (although I clearly need to work on my math skills). I find that I might enjoy taking certain music classes, for example, but I don’t want to take all the classes required for a music major because I’m not interested in all those classes.

I realize that the key is to never stop learning, even after graduation. I don’t think I’ll be getting half a dozen degrees, but I do plan to take classes even after I’m “done” college.

And I suppose it is nice to be able to walk into an interview and say “Having this specific degree shows that I’ve had certain training in this area.” Although at this point I don’t even know where I would go to be interviewed.

That’s the tough part. Indecisiveness. I’m fine with not knowing what the future holds, but it’s frustrating to not be able to decide what to major in, even if I don’t work in that field for the rest of my life.

Frustrations with a Broken Body

The human body is an amazing thing. If we learn to listen to our bodies, we often know what they need. If we are tired, we know to rest. If we are hungry, we know to eat. If we smell, we know to clean ourselves. The list could go on and on.

If only life were as simple as our bodies telling us what we need, and us responding in healthy ways. But what happens when your body doesn’t always work the way it’s supposed to?

I am young, and for the most part, healthy, so I thankfully have not experienced the embodiment of a terminal illness, neither do I claim to understand what it feels like to experience it. I do, however, have a genetic condition that I am reminded of every time I look in the mirror, and sometimes even oftener than that.

I am talking about cystic acne. It is not just the typical acne that one has as a teenager, that consists typically of black heads and white heads. That indeed can be very annoying, but what I am talking about is a condition that lingers beneath the surface of my skin – to the point where I cannot even reach the actual problem no matter how much I try to pick at it.

When we look at pictures of models, I imagine that each of us secretly has a part of the body that we are drawn to because it is something we feel we are lacking. For some, it may be a slim waist or a plump butt, but for me, it’s clear skin. No, it’s not because of beauty standards and I don’t feel I’m “pretty enough,” whatever that means. I have at times wrestled with the idea that perhaps I’m not as beautiful as I could be, but that does not bother me as much as the feeling of not being healthy. I feel self conscious having pictures taken because my face literally feels dirty. I take a shower and the rest of my body feels smooth and clean except for my face. I can feel the inflammation and the bacteria beneath the surface, and I can’t feel clean enough no matter what face wash or moisturizer I use.

Sometimes my face hurts, badly. I like to think I have a moderate-to-high tolerance for pain, but skin on the face is such a sensitive area that it is almost an entirely different ballpark. Good luck trying to scratch that itch on your chin without breaking into tears – unless you break out with more bloody bumps first. Sometimes young children ask me what’s wrong with my face, and to simplify the situation I tell them that there are boo-boos on my face. One time a little girl asked me if I needed a band-aid. I thought it was very sweet, although I declined.

I guess all that to say that our bodies age, they get sick, one day they die. While they are put together to work a certain way, sometimes they don’t, and that can be frustrating at times. I am generally comfortable with my appearance; for me it is not so much an issue of being beautiful as it is one of being healthy, and sometimes I just don’t feel healthy no matter how much I do to take care of my body.

A Respectable Young Lady

I got the “lady” thing down. When I was a girl, I learned all sorts of “lady” skills that would prepare me to be a decent woman and successful housewife. I make applesauce. I spin yarn. I can knit and crochet. I paint, sing, and play the harp. I can make quilts and clothes, and serve afternoon tea.

The problem is, activities such as those are no longer as popular as they used to be. Spin yarn? Many people don’t even understand what a drop spindle is, or they have never seen a harp up close.

Felicity Merriman and Elsie Dinsmore were my childhood friends, but I have learned that girls like them remain alive only on the words of a page. While girls my age learned about makeup and name brand clothing, I was out riding horses. While so-and-so was dating her first boyfriend, I was wondering if it was morally okay to wax my eyebrows (would it be vain?). By the time I reached young adulthood, I thought I was well on my way to becoming an accomplished gentlewoman (I use the term loosely). You can imagine my surprise, then, when I discovered that a proper gentlewoman is not esteemed in the same way she would have been a century ago.

These days it appears that society values a woman who is career driven more than housewife driven. Many women today are being awarded for accomplishments that, a century or two ago, only men would have attempted. Maybe that’s not a bad thing. Maybe it means we’ve allowed women to go above and beyond the original expectations of their gender. I think, however, that there is something to be said about a woman who can manage her home well, career or no career. There is a certain beauty that is lost when the art of housekeeping is thrown to the wayside in pursuit of what used to be left to the men.

That’s not to say that pursuing a career is a bad thing. I myself am studying to get a bachelor’s degree, after which I would like to manage a flock of goats (maybe), grow an herb garden, and possibly build my own house. Yes, with my own hands.

Do you remember the term “calling” before it was used in reference to the telephone? In the Victorian era, ladies would pay visits to, or call on, each other. In higher society, women would keep track of who called on them and to whom they owed calls. Paying a call could be compared to paying bills, they were so important. Today? “We should hang out sometime.”

Sometimes I wonder what the hell men are looking for if not a housewife. I may be late in saying this (by about 100 years), but it seems that the woman is having to find a new identity, since it is no longer defined by the skills she acquires for running a home. In a way, this is freeing, because it gives her more independence to choose her own path. In another way, however, it leaves people like me a bit confused about what to do when I’ve spent a significant chunk of my life training to be useful to a man.

Please do not take this as a self-pity rant (although that’s exactly what it is, so forgive me). This is not to say that I cannot survive without a man taking care of me, because I have complete confidence that I can. I think more importantly, I am trying to find my place in 2014 when I feel like I should have been born in 1880.

Loving Lonely

Do you feel lonely? Many people at some point in their lives will or have said yes.

There are a multitude of reasons for feeling lonely. People blame social media, or technology in general. But maybe you just struggle to connect with people, regardless of your use of the internet.

Maybe you’re lonely for a significant other. Maybe you’re lonely because you want to feel close to someone. Anyone. But you can’t.

But you know what? That’s okay. Loneliness hurts. And it’s okay to hurt. Because hurting is part of what makes us human.

How to stop feeling lonely? I honestly don’t know. Every person is different, so each requires a different solution. Part of what brings happiness is what we give to others. If I can make someone smile today, even just one person, if I can make a difference in one person’s life, then that is what’s important.

Maybe you help others, and you try your best and you’re still lonely. Maybe your self-esteem is fine. Maybe you try to connect with people but something still is missing.

I don’t have the answer to what’s missing. I don’t know how to cure loneliness – I’m lonely too. But maybe the first step is to accept it so that you can move on. When you learn to love yourself, maybe you can learn to love lonely too.

I think Tanya Davis does a great job of summing it up:

Follow Your Dreams?!?

Follow your dreams is a saying that I’m hearing over and over again. And over and over again I find myself asking, “What if you don’t know your dreams?”

I’m beginning to hate that saying.

I’m all for doing what you love and loving what you do. If you know what your passion is, then by all means, go for it. Pursue it. Don’t hold back. But what if you don’t know what your passion is?

A lot of people my age appear to have it all together, but I’ll openly admit that I have no idea what I’m doing. No idea where I’m going, and no idea where I want to go. On one hand, not knowing is fun and exciting, because it allows for open-mindedness, creativity, and spontaneity. On the other hand, it’s frustrating, because indecisiveness leaves me paralyzed at times. I feel stuck.

I don’t want to feel stuck anymore.

Through taking advantage of several resources such as blogs, books, and speeches, I’ve found several ideas to try that might help me understand what I enjoy doing and discover what I want to do in the future. This is the beginning of a new journey for me, one that I plan to document here. I’m inviting you to share in the journey, and maybe we can learn something together.