Integrate

Shift, adjust, grow. Brush off the dust and try again.

Silence envelopes me in her arms once more as I strain to listen. To what, exactly? To that still, small voice, inviting, beckoning me to something more. What if you leaned into exactly who you were meant to be? Still I strive with the noise, the chatter, the voices in my head and in the world clamoring for my attention, for my energy, for my time and money. Advertisements, media, culture, no, my own insecurities crowd out my sanity in attempt to be seen and listened to, threatening to overrun me.

I pause. No, I whisper to myself. That’s not my story anymore. I acknowledge each part of myself – each old narrative – as it rises to overwhelm my system with worry and anxiety, and I gently remind my parts that they no longer need to work so hard to keep me safe. That I will remain grounded in the midst of the challenges I face day to day, that my true self is strong enough to withstand the storms. I no longer battle with myself, but rather hold myself with compassion as I learn to navigate new situations, working to integrate my parts rather than resist them.

Even still, I find myself starting at the beginning again. Yet not quite square one, for each time a lesson makes itself known to me I have new layers of experience as my guide. Questions continue to arise, ever-present reminders of my limitations: What if? What next? When? How long? Thank you, Questioner. I don’t know the answers, but I do know I can take baby steps, one day at a time.

I turn toward that still, small voice once more; I am here. I am where I’m meant to be, and I seek wisdom to move forward.